Everchanging

"In the face

Of change

That's when she turned to me and said

"I'm not sure anymore"..."

Around the end of November last year I ended an incredibly tumultuous relationship. I have written about this break up before but it only seems to be sinking in now.  

"Have you ever been a part of something

That you thought would never end?

And then, of course it did

Have you ever felt the weight inside you

Pulling away inside your skin?

And then something had to give..."

Even though I ended it, for reasons that remain unchanged, I still miss him.When you start a relationship you honestly think that it will never end. That's the point right? We did fight from the beginning and we gave it a good two and a bit years of blood, sweat and tears. 

"Now the lines are drawn

Is this feeling gone?

The best parts of this have come and gone

And now that is all this is

With the reasons clear

We'll spend another year

Without direction, full of fear

And now things will be different

There's nothing simple when it comes to you and I

Always something in this everchanging life

And there probably always will

Now that time is getting harder to come by,

The same arguments are always on our mind

{We've} killed this slowly fading light..."

The feeling will never be gone. I will never stop loving him and I will never love someone the way I loved him. He was my first love. My first relationship. He claimed my heart first. I will love differently one day, but I will never love as intensely. I believe that to love as intensely as we did was one of the reasons why we failed. Two flames create a hyper-fire. The energy created cannot be contained. I need to be with someone who balances me out, in essence the water to my fire. I have taken a year off to find me again. To reassess my priorities in life. The relationship stripped me of my identity. It did what a relationship is not meant to do. I lost me along the way. I became introverted, angry and overweight. Everything I had fought so hard to change over the years. When the relationship started I was healthy, bubbly and fun. I will never blame him for what happened, we are both to blame. We literally brought out the worst in each other. I can tell you now that I have never been more scared in my life. I have to re-learn who I am. I have to learn to be alone and to be comfortable with me again. 

"Now let's say that something (hey) 

Has kept me here too long 

And you can't leave me (hey) 

If I'm already gone

And we make the same mistakes

We're always hanging on

Break the promises we're always leaning on

All this time spent waking up

{Now I} keep this line open to get this call from you

{As you} speak the words that keep me coming back to you..."

The four or five months that it has been seems to make it more final. The initial break up isn't as bad as you are in shock, but now the reality of it sets in. I can't make the same mistakes again. I respect myself, I respect him. We do always break the promises. If only he would give up on trying to contact me. It is only hurting him, and me. I do love you, but I cannot be in love with you. I can't come back to you. 

"Now this time it's all different..."

- Rise Against, Everchanging. 

Weighted

Today a photo of myself (taken with friends) rocked my world. I had to come to accept that that is in fact my reality, and the only person who can change it is me...

As far back as I can remember I have struggled with my weight. I remember being the tallest and heaviest "little" girl in my Grade 1 class. I have no reason to attribute for my weight gain as a child, and now as an adult. I didn't suffer any traumas nor did I grow up with a family who had bad eating habits. In fact, I was an active child. My family always chose holidays and activities with focus on the outdoors. I was never denied foods as child, and my mother always made sure to provide me with a balanced meal, which was to always be eaten (slowly) at the dinner table. I do remember having a voracious appetite. I ate a lot, and do remember the odd secret sneak here and there, which is why I gained a lot of weight. 
At 12 years old, on my request, my Mom took me to my first dietitian who created a starve sheet for me to follow and told me to "get used to that hungry feeling". I knew right off the bat that this woman was with the budgies. I followed her diet and lost, I think, 10 kilos. Well done me. I stopped the diet and hello 10 kilos and it's friends. 

Age 12 led into my teen years and more self awareness. I was hugely ('scuse the pun) aware that my uniform didn't quite fit like the others girls did. My skirt was a little tighter, my shirt a few sizes larger. In high school I played field hockey, but sport was definitely a four-letter word as far as I was concerned. I remember that I tried Weight Watchers at one stage in high school, don't recall if I lost anything, just money. I do remember my weight on that card though, 88 kilograms, and remember thinking, never again. 
An eating plan only works when you commit your mind to it. I don't think I have ever been committed to an eating plan for that long. When I was 16/17, my weight was at an all time high and my mother was worried. My hair was starting to fall out and my weight was ballooning. My Mom took me for tests as well as to an endocrinologist, it was discovered that I have Poly cystic Ovarian Sydrome with Type II diabetes. A condition brought on by being overweight. In turn my body was producing too much testosterone, thus I was developing male pattern baldness, and gaining weight. What 17 year old girl wants this news? Not me. So I was prescribed the pill and glucophage (insulin meds).

In my matric year I made up my mind to finally get into shape and my amazing parents hired a personal trainer for me. I saw Belinda once a week, and she was grueling. I remember carrying my school bag and being unable to place it on the floor as my arms were too sore. I had never felt better.

In 2004 I had to stop training as I started university in Grahamstown. I made a futile attempt at going to the gym there, but I watched what I ate... not what I drank. Slowly the kilos, my old friends, came back.

 

The next year, 2004, I moved back to Joburg and onto AFDA. My third year at AFDA, 2007, owing to my fluctuating schedule, and weight, I was able to go to gym most mornings. I loved the exercise. My weight had stabilised. I was nowhere near a goal but I wasn't putting on more weight. I am pretty sure there were a few more dietitians in those years, yeah, I am certain of it. 

I started working in 2008 and continued working out. My weight never really changed, but then I never really put much effort into it. I went out a lot, drank a lot and had a lot of fun. I did however develop a really bad chest infection that did not seem to go away for more than 3 months. I had tried 3 sets of anti-biotics and only seemed to get worse. 

Around August 2008 I went to an iridologist and after inspecting my eyes (which I thought was hooey), he prescribed a strict diet and supplement plan. It was a huge handful of vitamins and supplements and mutis that I had to ingest. I lost around 6 kilos and by the end of 2008 I was literally glowing. I had to stop the program for obvious "crazy person" reasons. I mean I peed out 90% of the vitamins anyways, and it was costing me a sweet fortune. I received many compliments and was feeling great again. 

In 2009 I added running to my workout. I really enjoyed this as it was time with my dog Caesar. Just me, the road, my music and my dog. My weight stayed the same, but I was loving life. I felt great and don't think I have looked as good in years. 

This photo was taken at my 24th (so much fun), and for me it marks the end of when I knew who 'me' was. After that time I made a pact to myself to be a truer me. To live clean; free from strange attractions, and bad situations. I was fine until I had my first real breakdown. My parents were worried and wondered if I should have possibly been hospitalised. 

I pulled through it and into 2010, the year of the world cup and the year that my life was about to change. I signed up for an extreme weight loss plan. This was it, I was going to do it and succeed. The Fat Loss Lab diet is not for everyone, however they claim to create an exclusive plan according to your weight, age, blood type and other criteria. It's just a severely calorie restricted diet that works because the only thing you are allowed to eat is 80g of protein and veg (and 5 provita per day). After the initial weight-loss there is a re-feed program which I never got to as the starving got to me first. I looked amazing I won't lie. I lost around 15-17 kilograms, after which I put it all back on, and then some.

I got thin and I got a boyfriend, go figure. A guy with whom I had been friends for over 10 years suddenly showed an interest in me. It goes to prove that a little extra cushioning does get in the way of romance. Our relationship was doomed from the start and we fought non-stop. It seems that I foretold our story when I published my lyric of the day back in June of 2010, before we got together. I couldn't control my anger towards him and would start to take it out on myself (angry rages, suicide attempts, suicide threats and breakdowns). I got comfortable in the relationship and never felt shy to eat in front of him. He never mentioned my weight, nor made me feel uncomfortable. In fact he was amazing by making me feel loved with regards to my body image. Despite all of our fighting we stayed together and were of the opinion that love prevails. 

I had another breakdown at the end of 2010 and he was there to support me. We went to Cape Town in December 2010. He had never been before and I made every effort to ensure that it was the best holiday that he had ever had. I needed to rest and reflect, but we ran around. We fought the whole holiday which did not make things fun, but when we had fun, we laughed and we loved.

At the beginning of 2011, on the insistence from my parents and my doctor it was decided that I see a psychiatrist. I was put onto anti-depressants and other medication to treat Bipolar Type II disorder. This started my year of medication drama. It took me 18 months to find the correct mix and balance of medications (and the correct psychiatrist) to get on track. I had awful side effects from flu-like symptoms to a rash that covered my entire body. 

We had gone on holiday to the Kruger and I was on new meds.
So sick. So swollen. Balloon face. 

I documented most of my thoughts, episodes and feelings (about him) in blog posts:

a), b), c), d), e), f), g), h), i)  

Throughout 2011 my weight climbed. The psychiatrist had warned me that a side-effect of the lithium was weight gain. I never had time for gym. I never had time for me. My life was being consumed by an unhealthy relationship and work. We fought, I ate, we laughed, I ate. I made an attempt at shrinking my bottom when I re-joined Weight Watchers in the September of 2011. I went for about 3 months, I got all the booklets, that's how I know I went for that long. 

Blur into 2012 and nothing had changed. We moved in together in February, and we were split up by April. I don't think I made many trips to the gym during the year. The company that I work for had acquired a new client and my life became about work. I switched one bad relationship for another. My ex and I had a brief stint together again in September / October 2012, but you can't always mend a broken glass heart when too many pieces have been lost along the way. 

Roll on 2013. I decided that this was my year to reinvent myself. I was single, and still young. I had always wanted to try boxing, and found a boxing trainer. After a brutal end of 2012 working ridiculously long hours, I decided that I would no longer work overtime and I would put that time into me. 

I now train with the boxing trainer for an hour, twice a week. He is just what I need. Someone to kick my ass. I also attend a Pilates class once a week that my mom teaches. So I get the strength training, the cardio and the stretching and toning. On alternate days I also hit the gym alone to do some cardio. I have been training for about 2 months now and have only lost 2 kilos. I do watch what I eat although some days / weeks I have a wobble. I should have lost more and am having blood tests to see if perhaps it is my thyroid or medication inhibiting me from losing the weight. I am going to be kicking my diet into turbo mode. I will be taking "2013 Weight Loss" slowly. It is the only way to ensure that I settle into a lifestyle of fitness, health and well-being. 

I found a website that shows you at your current weight and then at goal. I thought it was a great motivator. I will keep on referring to it. 

Oh and that photo that really rattled me, here it is:

I hope you enjoyed the read, it was a long one I know, and if you feel that you can relate to me in anyway let me know. Much love. 

You Stupid Boy

You stupid boy. 

I didn't want things to have to end this way, however sometimes we are forced to take actions to protect ourselves. Please don't think there aren't days that my heart doesn't wrench with aching sadness at the thought of how much I miss you, sometimes. Then there are days when I am alright and I don't seem to miss you at all. You never gave me a chance to mourn you, miss you, or miss us... not with you persistently contacting me. 

This has to stop. This is abuse. It is not good for either of us. Our relationship was mentally, physically and emotionally abusive. We did and said things to each other that I am so ashamed to think about. It is not who I am, and I will not allow it to define me. I had to break free of this abusive cycle. Three months into our relationship and I already knew that you were the wrong person for me, but that did not mean that I didn't love you. I broke up with you more time than I can count, that every time lost it's effect and power. We fought so often, in fact we fought more often than not. We ran down suburban streets, we screamed in bed, we fought on holidays, we punched walls, trees, each other, we broke ankles and fists. We broke each other. In the end I broke your heart and I did not mean to, please understand that my heart is just as broken. The worst however are the mental breakdowns that I suffered and the patterns that I learned being with you that I have to break. This is where I will grow and learn and go from strength to strength, finding me again.

I stayed with you for nearly 3 broken years. I am slowly piecing back together who I am. Everyday that you send me a message or call me makes it harder for us to move on. The only answer I have for you is this: We don't work. The love was never a question but when you question my every move I have to pull away. 

There is nothing in this world that I can wish you more than absolute happiness and fulfilment in life. I cannot give this to you, I cannot complete you, it was too daunting for me to be that for you.  

I hope one day that you will understand. You will always be my friend. 

Lyric of the Day

I ended my two year long relationship. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Leaving someone you still love. Walking away from someone who is wrong for you, and you are ultimately wrong for each other. We shared a home. We shared a life. We were each other's everything. We became too co-dependent. We fought all the time, we destroyed each other. I am surprised we lasted as long as we did. I wish him all the best along his new road. I will always love him, but I need me back. I need to love me again.

"Don't make me sad, don't make me cry

Sometimes love is not enough and the road gets tough

I don't know why..."

- Born to Die by Lana Del Rey

It's not right...

Ms. Whitney said it best...

"It's not right but it's okay 

I'm gonna make it anyway 

Pack your bags up and leave 

Don't you dare come running back to me 

It's not right but it's okay 

I'm gonna make it anyway 

Close the door behind you 

Leave your key 

I'd rather be alone than unhappy..."

- It's Not Right But It's Ok by Whitney Houston

 
 
 
 
 

Lyric of the Day

I love my sister so much. She is hurting so much right now. I only want her to move on and for the healing to begin. She is smart, beautiful and talented. If only the people who hurt her could see this. They are so blinded by their own lives and search for fame and something new. I believe in karma. What goes around, comes around. These people have treated her like trash, they too will get treated as such. I love you Cayla, and am asking you to take the power back. I know you will find your happiness.

"Am I breathing?

My strength fails me

Your picture, a bitter memory

For comfort, for solace

(Seek me) For comfort, (Call me) For solace

(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart

(Seek me) Completion, (Call me) I'll be waiting

(I'll be waiting) For the end of my broken heart..."

- The End of Heartache by Killswitch Engage