"Too Sorrowful to Weep"

This may just be the most raw entry to date. I am home on a Saturday night, once again. I have a loving boyfriend, I have a loving family and a fun group of friends whom I see regularly yet I am in the deepest, darkest, no words to describe of depressions. I cry everyday, contemplate suicide, research methods of said suicide and fight with everyone. I feel alone, I feel lonely, I feel disconnected and empty yet I am surrounded by love and light. It is hard to see the light when you have been in the dark for so long. It could be a simple hormonal imbalance, who knows. But tonight was the breaking point and my parents were phoning doctors to have me committed. What a frightening thought. A night in the hospital for a mental and emotional meltdown. It has been a long time coming though. I can't remember the last time I was happy for an extended period of time. It always seems too hard. I never stick to an eating plan, I never stick to an exercise regime, I used to drink too much, stay out too late, fight too much and judge too much. I am unhappy. I think admitting it to myself has to be the first step. It has come between my relationship with my boyfriend and my relationship with my parents, even my friends. 


I look at myself in photographs and do not identify or connect with the person (myself) in it. I sometimes even feel jealous of the girl on the arm of my boyfriend. 'I want to be her', I think. Insane huh? I don't feel an urge to connect with anyone, make an effort with anyone. I have lost my drive. Yet when it comes to my career and work, people would never think this, as in the professional work environment I am highly driven, passionate and proud. Sometimes too self-sacrificing. I don't have a balance. What is life without balance but then a constant battle of uphills and downhills. 


I am thankful, grateful and relieved for the inevitable confrontation that will lead to my healing. I am ready to leave the past behind and move from the darkness into the light. I hope that no one go through such ordeals. I know life is not such a bully as I make it out to be, but when it is bad, it is really really bad. I am looking forward to the good. For what else can I do. 


Let me share a poem... It is dark, but I connected with it in the past;

"When you have tidied all things for the night,

And while your thoughts are fading to their sleep,

You'll pause a moment in the late firelight,

Too sorrowful to weep.

The large and gentle furniture has stood

In sympathetic silence all the day

With that old kindness of domestic wood;

Nevertheless the haunted room will say:

'Someone must be away.'

The little dog rolls over half awake,

Stretches his paws, yawns, looking up at you,

Wags his tail very slightly for your sake,

That you may feel he is unhappy too.

A distant engine whistles, or the floor

Creaks, or the wandering night-wind bangs a door

Silence is scattered like a broken glass.

The minutes prick their ears and run about,

Then one by one subside again and pass

Sedately in, monotonously out.

You bend your head and wipe away a tear.

Solitude walks one heavy step more near..."

- Solitude by Harold Monro