Friday, May 24, 2013

Crappy Week

It has been one of those hair-pulling out weeks where everything seems to be going wrong. Where my future is up in the air and no matter what I seem to be doing to smooth matters out, they remain ruffled. 

Last week I had a colossal fight with my mother which was started by an innocent request on her behalf and I launched at her. I told her everything I felt about her, everything negative. About the way she raised me versus my sister, that she is the reason I am overweight, and she did her best to deflect the pain. I threw my phone on the floor, destroying it (the third in two years). I stormed out. An hour or so she came to apologise.  It was for me to apologise, but it seems that I will always remain the child. We didn't speak for a few days. 

I acknowledged that the problem was back, despite my meds being level. I needed help. I searched the net and found the therapist. 

I started sessions with the new psychologist who seems strong enough. I chose him on the basis that he had experience in anger management and CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). Tuesday was my first session with him. I chose to start therapy again as my anger and rage have been getting out of control as of late. My previous therapy session with my last therapist served a purpose in helping me deal with my relationship with Paul. I was with Nicky for two years and she was great. She allowed me to debrief and taught me coping mechanisms. She gave me tools with which to deal with Paul and ultimately the strength the end the relationship. She, along with my ever-suffering friends and family brought me out of the darkness. However, as I am a normal human, I deal with ups-and-downs and my medication cannot control my behaviour by itself. I need to learn to do that by myself. So I have gone to my new therapist.

I told my mom that I had made the appointment and that I was so so sorry. I spilled everything about how life has me so frustrated. The normal shit. 

This past weekend the most epic storm hit Joburg and as it turns out fried the motherboard on my R15,000 PC. That's all. Not the one I am typing from (puh-lease). Ok so this is turning into a rant post. I am allowed a rant post. This is my blog (hellur!). 

Saturday afternoon was also spent at Joburg General hospital as my mothers staff member was almost beaten to death by her boyfriend. For the full post read it here. It took me back to my abusive relationship with Paul, and I was like a zombie for the weekend. 

The last part of the week was no better as my work life may be changing too. However that is up in the air and I am keeping a positive attitude about it and am up for anything. 

Things that have been getting me through this week:

# Red wine

# Happy Endings

#Pizza (well carbs in general)

# The Gaslight Anthem

# Ella
This face ^^





Thursday, April 11, 2013

(God)Motherhubbard

On Sunday I met with my Claire Bear because she messaged me on Friday night saying she needed a much-needed talk. So we met at Melrose Arch. Her little baby girl (who just turned two months) was with her. Oohhhh I could eat her alive I swear. As I sat down Claire smiled at me and asked me if I would like to be Lexi's god-mother? OH WOULD I?! I nearly cried I was so honoured. Her friend Fiona, who lives in the UK, shares the honour with me, but that doesn't take the shine off of it for one bit. We sat and talked for about an hour and I fed the little Miss Muffet. Claire is essentially a single mother as she is not involved with the father of her child, however his family and her's support her. She has been incredible and she has grown up over night. I could not imagine being friends with anyone less amazing than her. The strength she displays is incomparable and I have taken great lessons from it. I am very excited for the adventures we will all go on. I am still so humbled and honoured by her request and will do everything I can to fulfill my responsibilities.

Monday, April 8, 2013

We.Are.One.

The festival of Holi as described by Wikipedia; "...Every year, thousands of Hindus participate in the festival Holi. The festival has many purposes. First and foremost, it celebrates the beginning of the new season, spring. Originally, it was a festival that commemorated good harvests and the fertile land. Hindus believe it is a time of enjoying spring's abundant colors and saying farewell to winter. It also has a religious purpose, commemorating events present in Hinduism. During this event, participants hold a bonfire, throw colored powder at each other, and celebrate wildly...".

The South African organisers lost the rights to call their version of the festival Holi One and changed it to We Are One. The spirit of the day however remained unchanged. We all arrived in white (as it is traditional to do so). We were given our five bags of powder and headed straight to the bar. The countdown to the first explosion of colour was about to commence and we headed for the open field. 3-2-1 and colour filled the air in a mass powdered rainbow. Everyone around us was in the most elated and brilliant mood. There were no ill-feelings or bad tempers from anyone throughout the day. People just celebrated being coloured in. We pelted each other with powder and danced throughout the day. It is incredible to see ego and insecurity go out the door when people let their guard down. People truly embraced the concept of being free and being one. Everyone was equally dirty and equally as colourful. I don't think my pictures truly capture the beauty of the day, but it will give you a fair idea of what went down. If you were there I hope you felt the same way that I did. Enjoy!



Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Alive and Well

My dream came true 2 weeks ago when Rise Against finally played on South African shores. I was not as excited as I thought I would have been in the weeks following up, then again, I tend to play things down nowadays. I played all their albums on repeat for two weeks before to get psyched and re-acquainted with my old faves (not that I needed much playtime - I know those songs backwards, just saying). The Saturday of Ramfest arrived and it was raining. Of course it was. One cannot experience pure delight without a little rain in your eyeball. I had some family missions to complete before I headed off to Ramfest to join my friends in the drinking arena. Now I was excited. The bands and acts before Rise Against were a blur. Bring Me The Horizon, which I was as excited to see, were shit, as far as I was concerned. A few songs and they were off. 
Now the anticipation began as Rise Against's crew set up. Then Tim came on, I cried. This was actually happening. My dream was being fulfilled. My friend Ali stared at me as if I was mental. I like them okay? I sang along until my lungs and throat gave out. All I had ever wanted was to hear "Alive and Well" live. I was under the impression that they no longer sang songs from their older albums, well I was wrong. I don't think I have ever screamed or sang a song so loud in my life. I truly felt "Alive and Well". The band represents everything that a punk band should be; positive, fast, confident, humble and political. I have grown up with their music and it has defined my teenage years. Whenever something went wrong or I needed and explanation, I sought solace in the words and chords of Tim McIlrath and co. 


To this day I still can't believe that I saw them. What gives me great comfort is that the band does not take what it does for granted and they understand the impact they have on people's lives through music. I will forever hold them and this experience in my heart. 




Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Everchanging


"In the face
Of change
That's when she turned to me and said
"I'm not sure anymore"..."

Around the end of November last year I ended an incredibly tumultuous relationship. I have written about this break up before but it only seems to be sinking in now.  

"Have you ever been a part of something
That you thought would never end?
And then, of course it did
Have you ever felt the weight inside you
Pulling away inside your skin?
And then something had to give..."

Even though I ended it, for reasons that remain unchanged, I still miss him.When you start a relationship you honestly think that it will never end. That's the point right? We did fight from the beginning and we gave it a good two and a bit years of blood, sweat and tears. 

"Now the lines are drawn
Is this feeling gone?
The best parts of this have come and gone
And now that is all this is
With the reasons clear
We'll spend another year
Without direction, full of fear
And now things will be different

There's nothing simple when it comes to you and I
Always something in this everchanging life
And there probably always will
Now that time is getting harder to come by,
The same arguments are always on our mind
{We've} killed this slowly fading light..."


The feeling will never be gone. I will never stop loving him and I will never love someone the way I loved him. He was my first love. My first relationship. He claimed my heart first. I will love differently one day, but I will never love as intensely. I believe that to love as intensely as we did was one of the reasons why we failed. Two flames create a hyper-fire. The energy created cannot be contained. I need to be with someone who balances me out, in essence the water to my fire. I have taken a year off to find me again. To reassess my priorities in life. The relationship stripped me of my identity. It did what a relationship is not meant to do. I lost me along the way. I became introverted, angry and overweight. Everything I had fought so hard to change over the years. When the relationship started I was healthy, bubbly and fun. I will never blame him for what happened, we are both to blame. We literally brought out the worst in each other. I can tell you now that I have never been more scared in my life. I have to re-learn who I am. I have to learn to be alone and to be comfortable with me again. 

"Now let's say that something (hey) 
Has kept me here too long 
And you can't leave me (hey) 
If I'm already gone

And we make the same mistakes
We're always hanging on
Break the promises we're always leaning on
All this time spent waking up
{Now I} keep this line open to get this call from you
{As you} speak the words that keep me coming back to you..."

The four or five months that it has been seems to make it more final. The initial break up isn't as bad as you are in shock, but now the reality of it sets in. I can't make the same mistakes again. I respect myself, I respect him. We do always break the promises. If only he would give up on trying to contact me. It is only hurting him, and me. I do love you, but I cannot be in love with you. I can't come back to you. 

"Now this time it's all different..."
- Rise Against, Everchanging. 









Monday, March 4, 2013

Ramfest - Anticipation Stations

I am getting quite excited for Ramfest which is being held next weekend at Riversands Farm in Fourways. 

There is one reason for that excitement. Rise Against. If you have been following my blog you will see that I have a bit of an obsession with them that dates back to biblical times. I reference them countless times. They have been the band that I go to when I am having a hard time coping emotionally and the band that gives me the extra lift when I need some positivity. I have been listening to them since I was 14 years old, that's come 13 years. To say that I adore them is an understatement and I think I am going to pull a swooning Michael Jackson fan when they come out. I kid you not. I get goosebumps every time I listen to them. My dream has literally come true and I think I am still in shock that they are playing in 9 days time. 

Bring Me The Horizon is also playing a set just before Rise Against. This is huge. My sister and I have been huge fans for a long time. We had a discussion regarding who would be in our perfect festival line-up. In the metal act BMTH was the band. Our dream line-up is happening. I cannot wait. It is going to be epic! 

I'm going to lather my pale skin with sunblock, take me some liver pills and wear some sensible shoes as I do not want anything to ruin this experience for me. It is going to be amazing, from beginning to end. 


Thursday, February 28, 2013

Weighted

Today a photo of myself (taken with friends) rocked my world. I had to come to accept that that is in fact my reality, and the only person who can change it is me...

As far back as I can remember I have struggled with my weight. I remember being the tallest and heaviest "little" girl in my Grade 1 class. I have no reason to attribute for my weight gain as a child, and now as an adult. I didn't suffer any traumas nor did I grow up with a family who had bad eating habits. In fact, I was an active child. My family always chose holidays and activities with focus on the outdoors. I was never denied foods as child, and my mother always made sure to provide me with a balanced meal, which was to always be eaten (slowly) at the dinner table. I do remember having a voracious appetite. I ate a lot, and do remember the odd secret sneak here and there, which is why I gained a lot of weight. 
At 12 years old, on my request, my Mom took me to my first dietitian who created a starve sheet for me to follow and told me to "get used to that hungry feeling". I knew right off the bat that this woman was with the budgies. I followed her diet and lost, I think, 10 kilos. Well done me. I stopped the diet and hello 10 kilos and it's friends. 
Age 12 led into my teen years and more self awareness. I was hugely ('scuse the pun) aware that my uniform didn't quite fit like the others girls did. My skirt was a little tighter, my shirt a few sizes larger. In high school I played field hockey, but sport was definitely a four-letter word as far as I was concerned. I remember that I tried Weight Watchers at one stage in high school, don't recall if I lost anything, just money. I do remember my weight on that card though, 88 kilograms, and remember thinking, never again. 
An eating plan only works when you commit your mind to it. I don't think I have ever been committed to an eating plan for that long. When I was 16/17, my weight was at an all time high and my mother was worried. My hair was starting to fall out and my weight was ballooning. My Mom took me for tests as well as to an endocrinologist, it was discovered that I have Poly cystic Ovarian Sydrome with Type II diabetes. A condition brought on by being overweight. In turn my body was producing too much testosterone, thus I was developing male pattern baldness, and gaining weight. What 17 year old girl wants this news? Not me. So I was prescribed the pill and glucophage (insulin meds).
In my matric year I made up my mind to finally get into shape and my amazing parents hired a personal trainer for me. I saw Belinda once a week, and she was grueling. I remember carrying my school bag and being unable to place it on the floor as my arms were too sore. I had never felt better.
In 2004 I had to stop training as I started university in Grahamstown. I made a futile attempt at going to the gym there, but I watched what I ate... not what I drank. Slowly the kilos, my old friends, came back.
 

The next year, 2004, I moved back to Joburg and onto AFDA. My third year at AFDA, 2007, owing to my fluctuating schedule, and weight, I was able to go to gym most mornings. I loved the exercise. My weight had stabilised. I was nowhere near a goal but I wasn't putting on more weight. I am pretty sure there were a few more dietitians in those years, yeah, I am certain of it. 

I started working in 2008 and continued working out. My weight never really changed, but then I never really put much effort into it. I went out a lot, drank a lot and had a lot of fun. I did however develop a really bad chest infection that did not seem to go away for more than 3 months. I had tried 3 sets of anti-biotics and only seemed to get worse. 
Around August 2008 I went to an iridologist and after inspecting my eyes (which I thought was hooey), he prescribed a strict diet and supplement plan. It was a huge handful of vitamins and supplements and mutis that I had to ingest. I lost around 6 kilos and by the end of 2008 I was literally glowing. I had to stop the program for obvious "crazy person" reasons. I mean I peed out 90% of the vitamins anyways, and it was costing me a sweet fortune. I received many compliments and was feeling great again. 


In 2009 I added running to my workout. I really enjoyed this as it was time with my dog Caesar. Just me, the road, my music and my dog. My weight stayed the same, but I was loving life. I felt great and don't think I have looked as good in years. 
This photo was taken at my 24th (so much fun), and for me it marks the end of when I knew who 'me' was. After that time I made a pact to myself to be a truer me. To live clean; free from strange attractions, and bad situations. I was fine until I had my first real breakdown. My parents were worried and wondered if I should have possibly been hospitalised. 

I pulled through it and into 2010, the year of the world cup and the year that my life was about to change. I signed up for an extreme weight loss plan. This was it, I was going to do it and succeed. The Fat Loss Lab diet is not for everyone, however they claim to create an exclusive plan according to your weight, age, blood type and other criteria. It's just a severely calorie restricted diet that works because the only thing you are allowed to eat is 80g of protein and veg (and 5 provita per day). After the initial weight-loss there is a re-feed program which I never got to as the starving got to me first. I looked amazing I won't lie. I lost around 15-17 kilograms, after which I put it all back on, and then some.
I got thin and I got a boyfriend, go figure. A guy with whom I had been friends for over 10 years suddenly showed an interest in me. It goes to prove that a little extra cushioning does get in the way of romance. Our relationship was doomed from the start and we fought non-stop. It seems that I foretold our story when I published my lyric of the day back in June of 2010, before we got together. I couldn't control my anger towards him and would start to take it out on myself (angry rages, suicide attempts, suicide threats and breakdowns). I got comfortable in the relationship and never felt shy to eat in front of him. He never mentioned my weight, nor made me feel uncomfortable. In fact he was amazing by making me feel loved with regards to my body image. Despite all of our fighting we stayed together and were of the opinion that love prevails. 
I had another breakdown at the end of 2010 and he was there to support me. We went to Cape Town in December 2010. He had never been before and I made every effort to ensure that it was the best holiday that he had ever had. I needed to rest and reflect, but we ran around. We fought the whole holiday which did not make things fun, but when we had fun, we laughed and we loved.


At the beginning of 2011, on the insistence from my parents and my doctor it was decided that I see a psychiatrist. I was put onto anti-depressants and other medication to treat Bipolar Type II disorder. This started my year of medication drama. It took me 18 months to find the correct mix and balance of medications (and the correct psychiatrist) to get on track. I had awful side effects from flu-like symptoms to a rash that covered my entire body. 
We had gone on holiday to the Kruger and I was on new meds.
So sick. So swollen. Balloon face. 
I documented most of my thoughts, episodes and feelings (about him) in blog posts:
a), b), c), d), e), f), g), h), i)  

Throughout 2011 my weight climbed. The psychiatrist had warned me that a side-effect of the lithium was weight gain. I never had time for gym. I never had time for me. My life was being consumed by an unhealthy relationship and work. We fought, I ate, we laughed, I ate. I made an attempt at shrinking my bottom when I re-joined Weight Watchers in the September of 2011. I went for about 3 months, I got all the booklets, that's how I know I went for that long. 

Blur into 2012 and nothing had changed. We moved in together in February, and we were split up by April. I don't think I made many trips to the gym during the year. The company that I work for had acquired a new client and my life became about work. I switched one bad relationship for another. My ex and I had a brief stint together again in September / October 2012, but you can't always mend a broken glass heart when too many pieces have been lost along the way. 

Roll on 2013. I decided that this was my year to reinvent myself. I was single, and still young. I had always wanted to try boxing, and found a boxing trainer. After a brutal end of 2012 working ridiculously long hours, I decided that I would no longer work overtime and I would put that time into me. 
I now train with the boxing trainer for an hour, twice a week. He is just what I need. Someone to kick my ass. I also attend a Pilates class once a week that my mom teaches. So I get the strength training, the cardio and the stretching and toning. On alternate days I also hit the gym alone to do some cardio. I have been training for about 2 months now and have only lost 2 kilos. I do watch what I eat although some days / weeks I have a wobble. I should have lost more and am having blood tests to see if perhaps it is my thyroid or medication inhibiting me from losing the weight. I am going to be kicking my diet into turbo mode. I will be taking "2013 Weight Loss" slowly. It is the only way to ensure that I settle into a lifestyle of fitness, health and well-being. 
I found a website that shows you at your current weight and then at goal. I thought it was a great motivator. I will keep on referring to it. 



Oh and that photo that really rattled me, here it is:

I hope you enjoyed the read, it was a long one I know, and if you feel that you can relate to me in anyway let me know. Much love.