This is a video combining my sister's 21st, my parent's 25th Wedding Anniversary and an interview I did of my aunt just before she passed away. This is what I am currently working on and getting into. Enjoy!
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Mad Virginia
I watched The Hours the other day. It was just the right remedy of elegantly woven language, perfect acting, unparalleled lighting and well thought out sets.
I knew that Virginia Woolf suffered from depression and ultimately committed suicide but had no idea to what extent she suffered. I did some reading and found out that she suffered from Bipolar Disorder (Manic Depression). This would cause her to have terrible moods and rages, followed by very dark episodes of depression.
I identified with the character portrayed by Nicole Kidman in The Hours. The words she said resonated with me and I understand being in such a dark place as I have been there before. When you feel that no one quite understands what you are going through and the rollercoaster of emotions leaves you feeling fatigued, confused, enraged and as she put it crazy. She was in and out of asylums with no cure. She was attended to by physicians with no answer other than that she was mentally unstable. I read in an article online which stated that;
As quoted by her:
I knew that Virginia Woolf suffered from depression and ultimately committed suicide but had no idea to what extent she suffered. I did some reading and found out that she suffered from Bipolar Disorder (Manic Depression). This would cause her to have terrible moods and rages, followed by very dark episodes of depression.
I identified with the character portrayed by Nicole Kidman in The Hours. The words she said resonated with me and I understand being in such a dark place as I have been there before. When you feel that no one quite understands what you are going through and the rollercoaster of emotions leaves you feeling fatigued, confused, enraged and as she put it crazy. She was in and out of asylums with no cure. She was attended to by physicians with no answer other than that she was mentally unstable. I read in an article online which stated that;
"Virginia's need to write was, among other things,
to make sense out of mental chaos and gain control of madness.
Through her novels she made her inner world less frightening.
Writing was often agony but it provided the 'strongest pleasure' she knew."
- "The Marriage of Heaven and Hell:
Manic Depression and the Life of Virginia Woolf"
by Peter Dally (1999).
I too can identify with this sentiment as at times I find myself writing, something inside of me needs to be said, a vent in a way. As my mother says, it is cathartic. I suppose it is. Seeing the words glide across the screen gives me a sense of fulfillment and upliftment. Knowing that I am saying something I feel, being honest, living authentically. Words are my air.
I leave you with some words to ponder over, some penned by her and others from the film. I was moved by them equally.
“The beauty of the world...has two edges, one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder.”
&
“If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.”
From the film:
Virginia Woolf: I'm dying in this town.
Leonard Woolf: If you were thinking clearly, Virginia, you would recall it was London that brought you low.
Virginia Woolf: If I were thinking clearly? If I were thinking clearly?
Leonard Woolf: We brought you to Richmond to give you peace.
Virginia Woolf: If I were thinking clearly, Leonard, I would tell you that I wrestle alone in the dark, in the deep dark, and that only I can know. Only I can understand my condition. You live with the threat, you tell me you live with the threat of my extinction. Leonard, I live with it too.
Virginia Woolf: This is my right; it is the right of every human being. I choose not the suffocating anesthetic of the suburbs, but the violent jolt of the Capital, that is my choice. The meanest patient, yes, even the very lowest is allowed some say in the matter of her own prescription. Thereby she defines her humanity. I wish, for your sake, Leonard, I could be happy in this quietness.
[pause]
Virginia Woolf: But if it is a choice between Richmond and death, I choose death.
Virginia Woolf: You cannot find peace by avoiding life, Leonard.
Silver Lining
On the 23rd of November (2011) my parents celebrated their silver wedding anniversary, which is 25 years kids! My gift to them was a video montage made up of video and photos from when they met to now. All set to cheesy 80's George Benson and Rod Stewart, their choice of course. They loved the way it came out. I hope you enjoy watching it too!
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Lyric of the Day
All I can say is that I am looking forward to this year coming to an end. It has been a long, stress-filled, weepy, tiresome, learning curve filled with good things coming to an end, the loss of loved ones, drama and financial strain.
I am exhausted and looking forward to some rest.
I am exhausted and looking forward to some rest.
Auf Wiedersehen 2011, roll on 2012. No one likes odd numbers anyways.
"...I don't know but I've been told that good things come with time...
Let's go!"
- Road Rash by The Mad Caddies
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Cancer You Fuck...
Just on two hours ago my great Aunt Marion or Mac, as she was known, passed away from Stage 4 cancer. She had lung, adrenal and bone cancer. Being a smoker from the age of 12, at 60 a day will do that to you.
The only symptoms that I can think of that she displayed was weight loss. When we all went away at the end of June, she seemed fine if not a little tired, but we put it down to her age.
She was admitted to hospital two months ago with a tummy bug, as she was not taking in any liquids. Her condition worsened and she landed up in ICU, we all went to visit her and made light of how she had landed up in hospital. After a week or so she was released and then soon after was back again. This time full tests were done and it was revealed that she had cancerous cells in her lungs. Not a shock to us, as she was a heavy smoker, what was a shock was the extent to which the cancer had spread. When I think back now, to all the places she pointed on her body complaining of pain, it makes sense. She was feeling the cancer ache in her bones. FUCK! She was lobbied between oncologists and no decision could be made on treatment. The argument was, would it prolong or shorten, hinder or help her health. The truth is... with how far the cancer had spread, her age and her physical strength it would not have made any difference, in fact, it may have made her feel worse. I know this from when my father had cancer in 2003. He too had stage 4 colon cancer, but it was located in such a way that they could remove the tumours. This was not the case for Mac.
So she moved back to her flat and got on with life. Just over a month ago I interviewed her for my project on her life story and legacy. Her life was filled with the most incredible stories, people, places and pets. She led a truly full and fulfilling life! She got tired and we never finished filming. It will have to remain unfinished...
Over the weeks she weakened and became clumsy. The decision was made to move her to my uncle two doors down from our house, into the cottage, where she could have round the clock care, and my father and uncle could see her daily. Her bed, her dressing table and her clothes were moved for her. She had all her comforts. All she did was lie on her bed aided by oxygen. She chose not to read, watch television... all she did was sleep, ponder and smoke. She was occasionally visited by family and friends, but got tired out easily. Her pain was increasing and regular pain-killers were not working. She had organised a joint from her friend, and the one day when I went to see her, we were discussing her pain and she asked if I could get her more. I said I could try. Being a non-smoker myself, it would not be a problem getting, it was just getting it past my mom ("the legality" she says). So my friend's dad, a family friend went to visit her and brought her some.
On Monday she was moved into the hospice. It seems that she had become overcome with pain and she asked to be moved. It is a bold, and great person who accepts their life and the inevitable. That is one thing about Mac, she was always very headstrong. She liked things to go her way.
Yesterday morning, Tuesday the 6th, my dad called me and told me to come over and see her. I knew immediately that it would be in a sense a goodbye. It is eery to walk into a place that has seen the deaths of thousands of people and that is essentially an end-of-life care facility. The nurses that work there are true angels and what they do is incomparable. My respect for them is endless. They have seen so much. Individuals go to hospice to die with dignity. The process is quite simple, it is basically a slow euthanasia. The nurses, with advise from the doctors, administer small doses of morphine, sleeping aides, pain killers and other drugs so that one is kept sedated, semi lucid but pain free. The individual is able to slip from this world easily and painlessly. Seems right to me, I mean the patients there have been through enough already. In the room next to my aunt was a 10 year old girl... For fucks sake, she is 10. Life is too cruel sometimes!
So today began with me running to my dad and asking him if he had heard anything, to which he replied that he had not. I was supposed to go through and see her. But seeing as I had seen her the evening before, my dad said that I had said my goodbyes. So I came to work, went to a meeting and when I got back into the office was told that my dad had been trying to get hold of me... my heart sank. I just knew. When I looked at my phone and saw 4 missed calls then I knew for sure. Of course when that happens and you call them back, no on answers. My dad finally got hold of me and told me she was found at around 12h30.
Finally Mac is resting. No more pain. She can smoke all the cigarettes, weed and drink all the G&T's she wants! She is now with all her beloved pets, Precious, Timothy and cats.
Say hi to Granny Thelma, Grampa Issy and Granny Ann will ya! Miss you, Love you!
The only symptoms that I can think of that she displayed was weight loss. When we all went away at the end of June, she seemed fine if not a little tired, but we put it down to her age.
She was admitted to hospital two months ago with a tummy bug, as she was not taking in any liquids. Her condition worsened and she landed up in ICU, we all went to visit her and made light of how she had landed up in hospital. After a week or so she was released and then soon after was back again. This time full tests were done and it was revealed that she had cancerous cells in her lungs. Not a shock to us, as she was a heavy smoker, what was a shock was the extent to which the cancer had spread. When I think back now, to all the places she pointed on her body complaining of pain, it makes sense. She was feeling the cancer ache in her bones. FUCK! She was lobbied between oncologists and no decision could be made on treatment. The argument was, would it prolong or shorten, hinder or help her health. The truth is... with how far the cancer had spread, her age and her physical strength it would not have made any difference, in fact, it may have made her feel worse. I know this from when my father had cancer in 2003. He too had stage 4 colon cancer, but it was located in such a way that they could remove the tumours. This was not the case for Mac.
So she moved back to her flat and got on with life. Just over a month ago I interviewed her for my project on her life story and legacy. Her life was filled with the most incredible stories, people, places and pets. She led a truly full and fulfilling life! She got tired and we never finished filming. It will have to remain unfinished...
Over the weeks she weakened and became clumsy. The decision was made to move her to my uncle two doors down from our house, into the cottage, where she could have round the clock care, and my father and uncle could see her daily. Her bed, her dressing table and her clothes were moved for her. She had all her comforts. All she did was lie on her bed aided by oxygen. She chose not to read, watch television... all she did was sleep, ponder and smoke. She was occasionally visited by family and friends, but got tired out easily. Her pain was increasing and regular pain-killers were not working. She had organised a joint from her friend, and the one day when I went to see her, we were discussing her pain and she asked if I could get her more. I said I could try. Being a non-smoker myself, it would not be a problem getting, it was just getting it past my mom ("the legality" she says). So my friend's dad, a family friend went to visit her and brought her some.
On Monday she was moved into the hospice. It seems that she had become overcome with pain and she asked to be moved. It is a bold, and great person who accepts their life and the inevitable. That is one thing about Mac, she was always very headstrong. She liked things to go her way.
Yesterday morning, Tuesday the 6th, my dad called me and told me to come over and see her. I knew immediately that it would be in a sense a goodbye. It is eery to walk into a place that has seen the deaths of thousands of people and that is essentially an end-of-life care facility. The nurses that work there are true angels and what they do is incomparable. My respect for them is endless. They have seen so much. Individuals go to hospice to die with dignity. The process is quite simple, it is basically a slow euthanasia. The nurses, with advise from the doctors, administer small doses of morphine, sleeping aides, pain killers and other drugs so that one is kept sedated, semi lucid but pain free. The individual is able to slip from this world easily and painlessly. Seems right to me, I mean the patients there have been through enough already. In the room next to my aunt was a 10 year old girl... For fucks sake, she is 10. Life is too cruel sometimes!
So today began with me running to my dad and asking him if he had heard anything, to which he replied that he had not. I was supposed to go through and see her. But seeing as I had seen her the evening before, my dad said that I had said my goodbyes. So I came to work, went to a meeting and when I got back into the office was told that my dad had been trying to get hold of me... my heart sank. I just knew. When I looked at my phone and saw 4 missed calls then I knew for sure. Of course when that happens and you call them back, no on answers. My dad finally got hold of me and told me she was found at around 12h30.
Finally Mac is resting. No more pain. She can smoke all the cigarettes, weed and drink all the G&T's she wants! She is now with all her beloved pets, Precious, Timothy and cats.
Say hi to Granny Thelma, Grampa Issy and Granny Ann will ya! Miss you, Love you!
 |
| Marion Gay Feinberg b. 1936 d. 7 December 2011 |
Friday, November 18, 2011
Ending the Week with a Sweet
It's always nice to end a long, arduous week with a few sweet images of tiny creatures. I hope you enjoy ooohing and aaahing as much as I did. I especially love the one of the little bunny in the teacup... precious!
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Losing
I am quite proud of myself, and this is a rare statement and occurrence. I have reached, maintained and exceeded the 5kg goal with Weight Watchers. In the program they set out goals for you to achieve i.e. 5kg, 10% body weight, 10kg etc. I have reached the first marker. I have done so slowly and consistently. I am 5.2kg down! Woohoo. It may not be much in the grand scheme of my total weight loss goal but it is something. It makes my 30kg goal that much smaller. It makes it 25kg to go. I seriously don't know how I weigh less each week when on some days no food is safe! Nom, nom, nom. I do try and make the right choices, i.e. when I reach for the packet of chips I will either weigh out a portion or eat only a handful, thus my craving is satiated.
I must say, I have become a far more focused and dedicated woman in the last few years. I never used to stick to an eating plan. It used to be like an ongoing joke. My excessive weight led to Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome when I was 16 which gave me Type II Diabetes. For the last 10 years I have been on glucose tablets to manage my insulin resistance, paired with the pill to take care of the hormonal imbalances. I am happy to report, that all cysts on my ovaries have diminished and chances of me having a child are good. I worry each and every day about becoming a full blown diabetic, as my endocrinologist warned me that 25 years old was my cut off, and if I was not free from insulin resistance by then I would become diabetic. Well, my levels are managed and my weight is coming off. I will not be trapped by food like the Half Ton Man. I always think that a gastric bypass would be such an easy way to do things, however the easy way out is not always the right way out. I guess being a little more hungry, a little more stiff in your muscles, a little more disciplined, a little more hard on yourself, a little smarter with your food choices, a little more strict when it comes to having a drink... or seven. All these littles add up.
So, I soldier on. On the bright side. With Weight Watchers I can eat anything I please, within moderation of course. Which is the beauty of the eating plan I think, there are no restrictions, thus no cravings and no feeling of want or guilt. I am in no way punting the diet, I am simply saying it works for me. Listen, i have done it all. The only things that works is moderation. I know I will never be a skinny bitch, but I have been a fat bitch for long enough, so it is time to become the healthy bitch!
I must say, I have become a far more focused and dedicated woman in the last few years. I never used to stick to an eating plan. It used to be like an ongoing joke. My excessive weight led to Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome when I was 16 which gave me Type II Diabetes. For the last 10 years I have been on glucose tablets to manage my insulin resistance, paired with the pill to take care of the hormonal imbalances. I am happy to report, that all cysts on my ovaries have diminished and chances of me having a child are good. I worry each and every day about becoming a full blown diabetic, as my endocrinologist warned me that 25 years old was my cut off, and if I was not free from insulin resistance by then I would become diabetic. Well, my levels are managed and my weight is coming off. I will not be trapped by food like the Half Ton Man. I always think that a gastric bypass would be such an easy way to do things, however the easy way out is not always the right way out. I guess being a little more hungry, a little more stiff in your muscles, a little more disciplined, a little more hard on yourself, a little smarter with your food choices, a little more strict when it comes to having a drink... or seven. All these littles add up.
So, I soldier on. On the bright side. With Weight Watchers I can eat anything I please, within moderation of course. Which is the beauty of the eating plan I think, there are no restrictions, thus no cravings and no feeling of want or guilt. I am in no way punting the diet, I am simply saying it works for me. Listen, i have done it all. The only things that works is moderation. I know I will never be a skinny bitch, but I have been a fat bitch for long enough, so it is time to become the healthy bitch!
 |
| "Barbie is such a bitch" |
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