Last week I had a colossal fight with my mother which was started by an innocent request on her behalf and I launched at her. I told her everything I felt about her, everything negative. About the way she raised me versus my sister, that she is the reason I am overweight, and she did her best to deflect the pain. I threw my phone on the floor, destroying it (the third in two years). I stormed out. An hour or so she came to apologise. It was for me to apologise, but it seems that I will always remain the child. We didn't speak for a few days.
I acknowledged that the problem was back, despite my meds being level. I needed help. I searched the net and found the therapist.
I started sessions with the new psychologist who seems strong enough. I chose him on the basis that he had experience in anger management and CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). Tuesday was my first session with him. I chose to start therapy again as my anger and rage have been getting out of control as of late. My previous therapy session with my last therapist served a purpose in helping me deal with my relationship with Paul. I was with Nicky for two years and she was great. She allowed me to debrief and taught me coping mechanisms. She gave me tools with which to deal with Paul and ultimately the strength the end the relationship. She, along with my ever-suffering friends and family brought me out of the darkness. However, as I am a normal human, I deal with ups-and-downs and my medication cannot control my behaviour by itself. I need to learn to do that by myself. So I have gone to my new therapist.
I told my mom that I had made the appointment and that I was so so sorry. I spilled everything about how life has me so frustrated. The normal shit.
This past weekend the most epic storm hit Joburg and as it turns out fried the motherboard on my R15,000 PC. That's all. Not the one I am typing from (puh-lease). Ok so this is turning into a rant post. I am allowed a rant post. This is my blog (hellur!).
Saturday afternoon was also spent at Joburg General hospital as my mothers staff member was almost beaten to death by her boyfriend. For the full post read it here. It took me back to my abusive relationship with Paul, and I was like a zombie for the weekend.
The last part of the week was no better as my work life may be changing too. However that is up in the air and I am keeping a positive attitude about it and am up for anything.
Things that have been getting me through this week:
# Red wine
# Happy Endings
#Pizza (well carbs in general)
# The Gaslight Anthem
|This face ^^|