Everchanging

"In the face

Of change

That's when she turned to me and said

"I'm not sure anymore"..."

Around the end of November last year I ended an incredibly tumultuous relationship. I have written about this break up before but it only seems to be sinking in now.  

"Have you ever been a part of something

That you thought would never end?

And then, of course it did

Have you ever felt the weight inside you

Pulling away inside your skin?

And then something had to give..."

Even though I ended it, for reasons that remain unchanged, I still miss him.When you start a relationship you honestly think that it will never end. That's the point right? We did fight from the beginning and we gave it a good two and a bit years of blood, sweat and tears. 

"Now the lines are drawn

Is this feeling gone?

The best parts of this have come and gone

And now that is all this is

With the reasons clear

We'll spend another year

Without direction, full of fear

And now things will be different

There's nothing simple when it comes to you and I

Always something in this everchanging life

And there probably always will

Now that time is getting harder to come by,

The same arguments are always on our mind

{We've} killed this slowly fading light..."

The feeling will never be gone. I will never stop loving him and I will never love someone the way I loved him. He was my first love. My first relationship. He claimed my heart first. I will love differently one day, but I will never love as intensely. I believe that to love as intensely as we did was one of the reasons why we failed. Two flames create a hyper-fire. The energy created cannot be contained. I need to be with someone who balances me out, in essence the water to my fire. I have taken a year off to find me again. To reassess my priorities in life. The relationship stripped me of my identity. It did what a relationship is not meant to do. I lost me along the way. I became introverted, angry and overweight. Everything I had fought so hard to change over the years. When the relationship started I was healthy, bubbly and fun. I will never blame him for what happened, we are both to blame. We literally brought out the worst in each other. I can tell you now that I have never been more scared in my life. I have to re-learn who I am. I have to learn to be alone and to be comfortable with me again. 

"Now let's say that something (hey) 

Has kept me here too long 

And you can't leave me (hey) 

If I'm already gone

And we make the same mistakes

We're always hanging on

Break the promises we're always leaning on

All this time spent waking up

{Now I} keep this line open to get this call from you

{As you} speak the words that keep me coming back to you..."

The four or five months that it has been seems to make it more final. The initial break up isn't as bad as you are in shock, but now the reality of it sets in. I can't make the same mistakes again. I respect myself, I respect him. We do always break the promises. If only he would give up on trying to contact me. It is only hurting him, and me. I do love you, but I cannot be in love with you. I can't come back to you. 

"Now this time it's all different..."

- Rise Against, Everchanging.