Crappy Week

It has been one of those hair-pulling out weeks where everything seems to be going wrong. Where my future is up in the air and no matter what I seem to be doing to smooth matters out, they remain ruffled. 

Last week I had a colossal fight with my mother which was started by an innocent request on her behalf and I launched at her. I told her everything I felt about her, everything negative. About the way she raised me versus my sister, that she is the reason I am overweight, and she did her best to deflect the pain. I threw my phone on the floor, destroying it (the third in two years). I stormed out. An hour or so she came to apologise.  It was for me to apologise, but it seems that I will always remain the child. We didn't speak for a few days. 

I acknowledged that the problem was back, despite my meds being level. I needed help. I searched the net and found the therapist. 

I started sessions with the new psychologist who seems strong enough. I chose him on the basis that he had experience in anger management and CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). Tuesday was my first session with him. I chose to start therapy again as my anger and rage have been getting out of control as of late. My previous therapy session with my last therapist served a purpose in helping me deal with my relationship with Paul. I was with Nicky for two years and she was great. She allowed me to debrief and taught me coping mechanisms. She gave me tools with which to deal with Paul and ultimately the strength the end the relationship. She, along with my ever-suffering friends and family brought me out of the darkness. However, as I am a normal human, I deal with ups-and-downs and my medication cannot control my behaviour by itself. I need to learn to do that by myself. So I have gone to my new therapist.

I told my mom that I had made the appointment and that I was so so sorry. I spilled everything about how life has me so frustrated. The normal shit. 

This past weekend the most epic storm hit Joburg and as it turns out fried the motherboard on my R15,000 PC. That's all. Not the one I am typing from (puh-lease). Ok so this is turning into a rant post. I am allowed a rant post. This is my blog (hellur!). 

Saturday afternoon was also spent at Joburg General hospital as my mothers staff member was almost beaten to death by her boyfriend. For the full post read it here. It took me back to my abusive relationship with Paul, and I was like a zombie for the weekend. 

The last part of the week was no better as my work life may be changing too. However that is up in the air and I am keeping a positive attitude about it and am up for anything. 

Things that have been getting me through this week:

# Red wine

# Happy Endings

#Pizza (well carbs in general)

# The Gaslight Anthem

# Ella

This face ^^

You Stupid Boy

You stupid boy. 

I didn't want things to have to end this way, however sometimes we are forced to take actions to protect ourselves. Please don't think there aren't days that my heart doesn't wrench with aching sadness at the thought of how much I miss you, sometimes. Then there are days when I am alright and I don't seem to miss you at all. You never gave me a chance to mourn you, miss you, or miss us... not with you persistently contacting me. 

This has to stop. This is abuse. It is not good for either of us. Our relationship was mentally, physically and emotionally abusive. We did and said things to each other that I am so ashamed to think about. It is not who I am, and I will not allow it to define me. I had to break free of this abusive cycle. Three months into our relationship and I already knew that you were the wrong person for me, but that did not mean that I didn't love you. I broke up with you more time than I can count, that every time lost it's effect and power. We fought so often, in fact we fought more often than not. We ran down suburban streets, we screamed in bed, we fought on holidays, we punched walls, trees, each other, we broke ankles and fists. We broke each other. In the end I broke your heart and I did not mean to, please understand that my heart is just as broken. The worst however are the mental breakdowns that I suffered and the patterns that I learned being with you that I have to break. This is where I will grow and learn and go from strength to strength, finding me again.

I stayed with you for nearly 3 broken years. I am slowly piecing back together who I am. Everyday that you send me a message or call me makes it harder for us to move on. The only answer I have for you is this: We don't work. The love was never a question but when you question my every move I have to pull away. 

There is nothing in this world that I can wish you more than absolute happiness and fulfilment in life. I cannot give this to you, I cannot complete you, it was too daunting for me to be that for you.  

I hope one day that you will understand. You will always be my friend.