Crappy Week

It has been one of those hair-pulling out weeks where everything seems to be going wrong. Where my future is up in the air and no matter what I seem to be doing to smooth matters out, they remain ruffled. 

Last week I had a colossal fight with my mother which was started by an innocent request on her behalf and I launched at her. I told her everything I felt about her, everything negative. About the way she raised me versus my sister, that she is the reason I am overweight, and she did her best to deflect the pain. I threw my phone on the floor, destroying it (the third in two years). I stormed out. An hour or so she came to apologise.  It was for me to apologise, but it seems that I will always remain the child. We didn't speak for a few days. 

I acknowledged that the problem was back, despite my meds being level. I needed help. I searched the net and found the therapist. 

I started sessions with the new psychologist who seems strong enough. I chose him on the basis that he had experience in anger management and CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). Tuesday was my first session with him. I chose to start therapy again as my anger and rage have been getting out of control as of late. My previous therapy session with my last therapist served a purpose in helping me deal with my relationship with Paul. I was with Nicky for two years and she was great. She allowed me to debrief and taught me coping mechanisms. She gave me tools with which to deal with Paul and ultimately the strength the end the relationship. She, along with my ever-suffering friends and family brought me out of the darkness. However, as I am a normal human, I deal with ups-and-downs and my medication cannot control my behaviour by itself. I need to learn to do that by myself. So I have gone to my new therapist.

I told my mom that I had made the appointment and that I was so so sorry. I spilled everything about how life has me so frustrated. The normal shit. 

This past weekend the most epic storm hit Joburg and as it turns out fried the motherboard on my R15,000 PC. That's all. Not the one I am typing from (puh-lease). Ok so this is turning into a rant post. I am allowed a rant post. This is my blog (hellur!). 

Saturday afternoon was also spent at Joburg General hospital as my mothers staff member was almost beaten to death by her boyfriend. For the full post read it here. It took me back to my abusive relationship with Paul, and I was like a zombie for the weekend. 

The last part of the week was no better as my work life may be changing too. However that is up in the air and I am keeping a positive attitude about it and am up for anything. 

Things that have been getting me through this week:

# Red wine

# Happy Endings

#Pizza (well carbs in general)

# The Gaslight Anthem

# Ella

This face ^^

New Paths

This never meant to become a blog, memoir, journal for my ramblings about my dealings as a bi-polar lady. However, it has dominated my year. From psychiatrists and psychologists appointments. Blood tests. Medication, the scripting, the sorting, the trials and oh, the tribulations. This has been anything but an easy path for me. 


With a gentle push from Nicky, my psychologist, I have decided that incorporating my daily, weekly ups-and-downs is a great idea. Everything on the net is so clinical and down the line. I have found that there is no set diagnosis for someone. Each experience is unique, as is each person. 


This is where I have hit heads with my psychiatrist (no names mentioned). I find her approach far to strong, determined and decided. She gives the correct "ums" and "ahs" when I mention my symptoms and prescribes her "treatment", which I have discovered she rarely deviates from, from patient to patient. 


She placed me on a cocktail of Lilly Fluoxetine (Prozac), to treat the depression; Lamictin as a mood stabiliser and Seroquel for any rage attacks. Weeks passed and I was feeling really fluey. I didn't know what to put it down to, I took Spirulina to boost my immune system, carried tissues for the sniffles, sucked on throat lozengers for the sore throat, sprayed the nose sprays, I took Linctagon for further immune support and nothing seemed to work. I had a post-nasal drip from hell. Hacking and choking is great! I thought I cannot be so sick for so long for no reason. Research was needed, research I did. Google, my friend, apparently there is a side effect known as the Lamictal post nasal drip. Aha, I thought, it's not all in my mind (har-har). Side effects included flu-like symptoms. So a visit to the psych was needed. 


I walked in confidently with my researched (read Googled) evidence of my side effects. I had my argument laid out. She bulldozed. She basically poo-pooed my symptoms, and said that any site and any medication will list basic side effects with which I was presenting on paper and that my physical side effects were not from the medication. I felt differently and asked to come off the Lamictin. The withdrawl was not fun. Lethargy, headaches, nausea. I did more reading and found out that her cold-turkey cut was maybe not the best choice for me. A slow decrease in dose to ween me off may have been better. 


Just before I was taken off the Lamictin I went to see her as I was still not completely stable, having vicious rage attacks and bouts of severe sadness. The thought of suicide was high after I would lash out. So she placed me on Quinolum SR (Lithium). This was the biggest deal for me and I fought it tooth and nail. I did not want to be a Lithium user. The stigma surrounding the drug for me was huge. My mom felt the same way. I spoke to my GP about it, I spoke to Nicky about it. All felt it was okay and that the advances made in the field were huge. I was at ease. So far, so good.


Then the sadness and rage returned as I was no longer on a mood stabiliser. So back to psych I went. R650 a shot I might add (for a 15 minute session). Basically it costs that much for a bloody script. Robbery. So we discussed my options. Being a girl of the heavier persuasion the use of Epilim was out as I would eat voraciously on this, thus becoming bigger, depressed. Not a great cycle. So she settled on Tegretol. With Lamictin she warned me about an aggressive rash that could occur. I didn't present with such rash, but I did get the flu-like symptoms (which sucked!). 


I went away this weekend with Paul. We went to the Kruger. It was great. This was 5-6 days into my Tegretol introduction. We took a bath, and both noticed this crazy ITCHY red rash on my thighs, and on my ankles. I thought I had been bitten by a spider, or had a heat rash (in Winter?). So by the Saturday morning it had gotten progressively worse and I sent pics to my parents. My mom spoke to my aunt, a bi-polar empathiser. She had the same rash! From the same meds. Fuck, seriously. I researched this one. Google, you failed me, damn it. I was in the 5% of people with this Tegretol rash and it is hectic. I am now on anti-histamines and low dose cortisone to get it done. Thank fuck it is winter, I can cover up this shit. 


I am so tired of this path. 


Psych, you are fired!


I am going to see a new one, new opinion, new approach. 


Sigh. So there is my rant for today. I still have a post-nasal drip plus hacking cough. Paul loves it. It jars him awake. I will work this all out. There is no hard-fast science to this stuff would you believe. No one prescription works for all. I just wish it could have been a once off case for me. But then again, what is life without adversity. We learn from mistakes. I write about it. Tell you about it. Oh, the learning I have done this year.