Messing Up The Meds

So I made the stupid mistake this weekend of taking my tablets without concentrating. I think it started last Thursday. I mixed up my morning batch with my night time batch. Very confusing. Needless to say. My medication is sorted, into morning and night, and then by weekday. How I messed this up, I don't know. My blonde roots were showing. When the empty Friday morning stared at me, I stared back at it, thoroughly confused. What the eff had happened. Who had taken my pills, and why? I put it down to bad sorting on my part. I shrugged my shoulders, simply did some rearranging and scoffed my solution down my throat. Pleased with myself. Completely unawares of the chemical storm brewing inside. The mood, she was growing. 


By Saturday afternoon I was so so down. Lying in bed was the only option, and even changing the channel on TV was an effort. I had dinner plans that night which I was quite looking forward to. A girls' night out with the Caroline's. We went to see Crazy, Stupid, Love. Oh, yeah, just what I was in the mood for. A movie to remind me about love and relationships. 


When I got home that night, bored, tired, emotional and alone. I did the worst thing possible, on par with drunk texting. Sad texting. In this state you too are fuelled by emotion, are illogical and reason has no place in your world. So I called Paul. He was out. I got mad at him. Not his fault, we are not together at the moment. My FOMO was acting up and I was feeling sorry for myself. My moods were unstable, I was in a bad state.


Then I cried.


I can't even recall what movie I was watching, it was probably a comedy, but I cried. 


Sunday... tablet sorting time! I was tired of feeling sad and sorry for myself, I had played that role, starred in that movie, sung that song and written that book all too many times before. I was finally stable. HAPPY, and then I fuck it up. 


No more tears I say. Johnson and Johnson know what they are talking about.

New Paths

This never meant to become a blog, memoir, journal for my ramblings about my dealings as a bi-polar lady. However, it has dominated my year. From psychiatrists and psychologists appointments. Blood tests. Medication, the scripting, the sorting, the trials and oh, the tribulations. This has been anything but an easy path for me. 


With a gentle push from Nicky, my psychologist, I have decided that incorporating my daily, weekly ups-and-downs is a great idea. Everything on the net is so clinical and down the line. I have found that there is no set diagnosis for someone. Each experience is unique, as is each person. 


This is where I have hit heads with my psychiatrist (no names mentioned). I find her approach far to strong, determined and decided. She gives the correct "ums" and "ahs" when I mention my symptoms and prescribes her "treatment", which I have discovered she rarely deviates from, from patient to patient. 


She placed me on a cocktail of Lilly Fluoxetine (Prozac), to treat the depression; Lamictin as a mood stabiliser and Seroquel for any rage attacks. Weeks passed and I was feeling really fluey. I didn't know what to put it down to, I took Spirulina to boost my immune system, carried tissues for the sniffles, sucked on throat lozengers for the sore throat, sprayed the nose sprays, I took Linctagon for further immune support and nothing seemed to work. I had a post-nasal drip from hell. Hacking and choking is great! I thought I cannot be so sick for so long for no reason. Research was needed, research I did. Google, my friend, apparently there is a side effect known as the Lamictal post nasal drip. Aha, I thought, it's not all in my mind (har-har). Side effects included flu-like symptoms. So a visit to the psych was needed. 


I walked in confidently with my researched (read Googled) evidence of my side effects. I had my argument laid out. She bulldozed. She basically poo-pooed my symptoms, and said that any site and any medication will list basic side effects with which I was presenting on paper and that my physical side effects were not from the medication. I felt differently and asked to come off the Lamictin. The withdrawl was not fun. Lethargy, headaches, nausea. I did more reading and found out that her cold-turkey cut was maybe not the best choice for me. A slow decrease in dose to ween me off may have been better. 


Just before I was taken off the Lamictin I went to see her as I was still not completely stable, having vicious rage attacks and bouts of severe sadness. The thought of suicide was high after I would lash out. So she placed me on Quinolum SR (Lithium). This was the biggest deal for me and I fought it tooth and nail. I did not want to be a Lithium user. The stigma surrounding the drug for me was huge. My mom felt the same way. I spoke to my GP about it, I spoke to Nicky about it. All felt it was okay and that the advances made in the field were huge. I was at ease. So far, so good.


Then the sadness and rage returned as I was no longer on a mood stabiliser. So back to psych I went. R650 a shot I might add (for a 15 minute session). Basically it costs that much for a bloody script. Robbery. So we discussed my options. Being a girl of the heavier persuasion the use of Epilim was out as I would eat voraciously on this, thus becoming bigger, depressed. Not a great cycle. So she settled on Tegretol. With Lamictin she warned me about an aggressive rash that could occur. I didn't present with such rash, but I did get the flu-like symptoms (which sucked!). 


I went away this weekend with Paul. We went to the Kruger. It was great. This was 5-6 days into my Tegretol introduction. We took a bath, and both noticed this crazy ITCHY red rash on my thighs, and on my ankles. I thought I had been bitten by a spider, or had a heat rash (in Winter?). So by the Saturday morning it had gotten progressively worse and I sent pics to my parents. My mom spoke to my aunt, a bi-polar empathiser. She had the same rash! From the same meds. Fuck, seriously. I researched this one. Google, you failed me, damn it. I was in the 5% of people with this Tegretol rash and it is hectic. I am now on anti-histamines and low dose cortisone to get it done. Thank fuck it is winter, I can cover up this shit. 


I am so tired of this path. 


Psych, you are fired!


I am going to see a new one, new opinion, new approach. 


Sigh. So there is my rant for today. I still have a post-nasal drip plus hacking cough. Paul loves it. It jars him awake. I will work this all out. There is no hard-fast science to this stuff would you believe. No one prescription works for all. I just wish it could have been a once off case for me. But then again, what is life without adversity. We learn from mistakes. I write about it. Tell you about it. Oh, the learning I have done this year.

Time to Deal

This post has been a long time coming. 


I have bi-polar II disorder. 


As defined by Wisegeek

"Bipolar II is a psychiatric disorder that involves mood swings from depressed to hypomanic states. Unlike bipolar I, also called manic depression, bipolar II does not involve manic states. However, like bipolar I, the person afflicted suffers from varying degrees of mood. Bipolar II may create depression or anxiety so great that risk of suicide is increased over those who suffer from Bipolar I."

A few posts back I spoke about being depressed, wanting to end my life and about my rage. Since that post I have gotten the help I so needed. I have been to see a psychiatrist, who has placed me on anti-depressants, anti-epileptics and most recently Lithium (which I will talk about later). I have been to many psychologists to assess me. It was basically an interview process with them. It is all about finding the person that you connect with, someone who can handle you, someone who gets you. 


My depression is the reason why I had lost my drive in every aspect of my life. I had begun to neglect my health, my relationship with my family and my friends. I had no interest in bettering my life. I ate because I was depressed, I ate because I needed to fill an emptiness that could not be filled by any person or thing. My weight had ballooned to where it was a few years ago. I had put on this weight, yet Paul still loved me and stood by me. 


Paul puts up with my sad moods, my bad moods. What would be an ordinary fight between a couple, I would blow out of proportion, and the fights would last for hours, days. I would end our relationship many a time. 
Let me explain. When my mood switches it is like an electrical switch being turned on or off in my head. It is as if the wiring in my head has a short. I have no control over it. When such a switch happens, I become irrational, bad-tempered, rage-filled, aggressive, physical and have zero regard for consequence. I have run down a road and torn the ligaments in my ankle as I have misread a look on Paul's face and wanted to be heard, so I disregarded all safety and ran. I was the one who paid in the end. Then in the morning, when my mood and rage has passed and I am in a clear state of mind, Paul and I resolve things. This is not fair on him, and I am grateful to have him in my life. He is truly an angel and I love him.


Let me explain my rage further. I also have temporal lobe epilepsy which is associated with rage attacks, detachment from myself and the outside world, anxiety, panic attacks and heightened sense of smell, to mention a few. I do not experience epileptic attacks or seizures if that is what you are thinking and I am allowed to drive a car. These symptoms are experienced during a seizure, it does not physically grab hold of my body, it manifests itself in my brain. It is simply the way my brain is wired. I was diagnosed with this when I was 16 years old, and put on anti-epileptics. I had gone to a neurologist for severe migraines and sharp headaches, which is a symptom of it. I was not informed by my neurologist of all the symptoms and simply carried on thinking that my rage and depression was simply who I was... an angry person. I put it down to being a teen, I put it down to being a frustrated, overweight, shy teen. I would act out violently towards those that were closest to me, but then become an absolute recluse.


When I think back, I have always had rage issues, just ask my sister. We would get into monumental physical fights. They say this is normal for kids to fight, but I can tell you now that the way I felt and the way I hurt her is not normal, I can see this now and I am sorry. I love you Cake, you are my sissy. My mom would tell me about when I was a toddler and if I did not get my way, I would hold my breath in my crib until I passed out. This was my way of dealing with my frustration. I think back to when I was 9 or 10, if I got angry or upset, how I would try to smother myself, I'm still here, so that never worked.


Is this normal?


I am not sure, but according to statistics, it is becoming more common. More and more people, including youths and children are being diagnosed as bi-polar. I think it is highly important to obtain an early diagnosis. 


So far things have been better, not great but better. I no longer experience any bouts of depression and am getting my life in order. I have taken out a gym contract, I have commenced a serious job hunt, and I am no longer stress eating, or eating to fill the nothingness. I have begun reading again, which I really love and am blogging / writing, which I gave up on. I am doing things for me! I need to find me!


And now onto the rage...
I spoke to my psychiatrist on Thursday and I told her that I no longer feel depressed yet all my rage is still there. When I have a fight or conflict with someone, I lash out, either with very vicious words (I can kill in an argument) or with my fists (I am known to be quite the boxer). This is nothing I am proud of. So we decided to take corrective measures and put me on the best Lithium medication for me. I have just begun and am looking forward to the changes. 


I no longer want to be held captive by my emotions. I look forward to being happy and successful in every aspect of my life.

Lyric of the Day

I love Sublime. Their easy skanking sound and care-free attitudes make me happy. My boyfriend says it is because they are stoners. No lies there. I think this "care-free" attitude is perfectly reflected in this song which I have been playing on repeat in my car. I tend to do that, "kill" songs. Song Assassin, guilty-as-charged. Hey, if a song is rad, I can't help it. Right now, I need chilled music. I have had a cold for over 3 weeks, damn shitting sore throat won't leave my body. Please be gone demon sore throat. My last resort is a course of anti-biotics, to which I am opposed. I hate the meds. I am a hippie when it comes to medication and would rather dose myself with vitamins and herbal remedies for weeks before considering the option of destroying my body with chemicals (says the drunk). So I leave you with the song that has been my remedy for the last month or so. It says the things I have not been able to. As for weeks as I have not wanted to get out of bed... Ah Sublime, thanks for leaving me in a good mood. 

"...I don't wanna watch no porno

I don't wanna play guitar

I don't wanna spank the monkey

I don't wanna go down to the corner bar

And I ain't even got to listen 

To all the stupid shit you got to say

I don't wanna do a god damn thing

'Cause I ain't gonna leave my bed today

I don't wanna

I don't wanna leave my bed today

I don't wanna

I don't wanna leave my bed today

I don't wanna

I don't wanna leave my bed today

Keep on skankin' Ronnie

Skank the night away

But the time is coming

For us all to pay (pay)

I don't wanna eat burritos

Or read about OJ

No, I don't want to get a head rush 

'Cause I aint even gettin out of bed today..."

- Burritos by Sublime