Messing Up The Meds

So I made the stupid mistake this weekend of taking my tablets without concentrating. I think it started last Thursday. I mixed up my morning batch with my night time batch. Very confusing. Needless to say. My medication is sorted, into morning and night, and then by weekday. How I messed this up, I don't know. My blonde roots were showing. When the empty Friday morning stared at me, I stared back at it, thoroughly confused. What the eff had happened. Who had taken my pills, and why? I put it down to bad sorting on my part. I shrugged my shoulders, simply did some rearranging and scoffed my solution down my throat. Pleased with myself. Completely unawares of the chemical storm brewing inside. The mood, she was growing. 


By Saturday afternoon I was so so down. Lying in bed was the only option, and even changing the channel on TV was an effort. I had dinner plans that night which I was quite looking forward to. A girls' night out with the Caroline's. We went to see Crazy, Stupid, Love. Oh, yeah, just what I was in the mood for. A movie to remind me about love and relationships. 


When I got home that night, bored, tired, emotional and alone. I did the worst thing possible, on par with drunk texting. Sad texting. In this state you too are fuelled by emotion, are illogical and reason has no place in your world. So I called Paul. He was out. I got mad at him. Not his fault, we are not together at the moment. My FOMO was acting up and I was feeling sorry for myself. My moods were unstable, I was in a bad state.


Then I cried.


I can't even recall what movie I was watching, it was probably a comedy, but I cried. 


Sunday... tablet sorting time! I was tired of feeling sad and sorry for myself, I had played that role, starred in that movie, sung that song and written that book all too many times before. I was finally stable. HAPPY, and then I fuck it up. 


No more tears I say. Johnson and Johnson know what they are talking about.

This Fork In The Road

"...Keeping our wits about us

our fists are powerless

leaving nothing behind us

it seems we're just not that important

maybe in our minds

but a healthy mind is hard to find...

everyone is leaving with cuts on their hands

and scars on their arms

and dreams on their stereos

in sleep-deprived plans

we burn bushes at this

fork in the road..."

 - Fork in the Road by aKing

Today marks one of the darkest days, most ridiculous arguments and most senseless violent upheavals.

I am not sorry for being social, I am not sorry for being chatty, I am not sorry about forgetting someone insignificant, I am not sorry for refusing to admit guilt to a lie that I do not own. I am not sorry for feeling the way I do today, I am not sorry for what I said to you.

I am sorry for how I hurt you, with my hands. 

I am sorry for you. I wish you could see that I would never be deceitful nor secretive. I am not malicious nor cunning. I am sorry for you that you choose to adopt a possessive, jealous and obsessive mentality. It is very hard to love you when you are always like this. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around you and I have changed almost every aspect of my life to ensure that it fits in with your behaviour. 

I am sorry for myself. I am constantly the target of wrongful accusations, and am always being told that I am lying. I live an honest life. My life is constantly coloured in by you. You try to fill in all the details, but with the wrong colours. 

I am sorry for you, I am sorry for me. 

We have beaten each other up. Emotionally, mentally and physically. 

We are now at this proverbial fork in the road.

I have reached it, I really don't know which way to turn. Do I turn to more medication, as you always tell me that I am mentally unstable, or do I go darker and reach for the entire bottle.

I ask you this as I am not the only one, who down a path in life is forced to change. When one can't see the fault in themselves it is inevitably there.

I am sorry, but I am not sorry for being me.

Time to Deal

This post has been a long time coming. 


I have bi-polar II disorder. 


As defined by Wisegeek

"Bipolar II is a psychiatric disorder that involves mood swings from depressed to hypomanic states. Unlike bipolar I, also called manic depression, bipolar II does not involve manic states. However, like bipolar I, the person afflicted suffers from varying degrees of mood. Bipolar II may create depression or anxiety so great that risk of suicide is increased over those who suffer from Bipolar I."

A few posts back I spoke about being depressed, wanting to end my life and about my rage. Since that post I have gotten the help I so needed. I have been to see a psychiatrist, who has placed me on anti-depressants, anti-epileptics and most recently Lithium (which I will talk about later). I have been to many psychologists to assess me. It was basically an interview process with them. It is all about finding the person that you connect with, someone who can handle you, someone who gets you. 


My depression is the reason why I had lost my drive in every aspect of my life. I had begun to neglect my health, my relationship with my family and my friends. I had no interest in bettering my life. I ate because I was depressed, I ate because I needed to fill an emptiness that could not be filled by any person or thing. My weight had ballooned to where it was a few years ago. I had put on this weight, yet Paul still loved me and stood by me. 


Paul puts up with my sad moods, my bad moods. What would be an ordinary fight between a couple, I would blow out of proportion, and the fights would last for hours, days. I would end our relationship many a time. 
Let me explain. When my mood switches it is like an electrical switch being turned on or off in my head. It is as if the wiring in my head has a short. I have no control over it. When such a switch happens, I become irrational, bad-tempered, rage-filled, aggressive, physical and have zero regard for consequence. I have run down a road and torn the ligaments in my ankle as I have misread a look on Paul's face and wanted to be heard, so I disregarded all safety and ran. I was the one who paid in the end. Then in the morning, when my mood and rage has passed and I am in a clear state of mind, Paul and I resolve things. This is not fair on him, and I am grateful to have him in my life. He is truly an angel and I love him.


Let me explain my rage further. I also have temporal lobe epilepsy which is associated with rage attacks, detachment from myself and the outside world, anxiety, panic attacks and heightened sense of smell, to mention a few. I do not experience epileptic attacks or seizures if that is what you are thinking and I am allowed to drive a car. These symptoms are experienced during a seizure, it does not physically grab hold of my body, it manifests itself in my brain. It is simply the way my brain is wired. I was diagnosed with this when I was 16 years old, and put on anti-epileptics. I had gone to a neurologist for severe migraines and sharp headaches, which is a symptom of it. I was not informed by my neurologist of all the symptoms and simply carried on thinking that my rage and depression was simply who I was... an angry person. I put it down to being a teen, I put it down to being a frustrated, overweight, shy teen. I would act out violently towards those that were closest to me, but then become an absolute recluse.


When I think back, I have always had rage issues, just ask my sister. We would get into monumental physical fights. They say this is normal for kids to fight, but I can tell you now that the way I felt and the way I hurt her is not normal, I can see this now and I am sorry. I love you Cake, you are my sissy. My mom would tell me about when I was a toddler and if I did not get my way, I would hold my breath in my crib until I passed out. This was my way of dealing with my frustration. I think back to when I was 9 or 10, if I got angry or upset, how I would try to smother myself, I'm still here, so that never worked.


Is this normal?


I am not sure, but according to statistics, it is becoming more common. More and more people, including youths and children are being diagnosed as bi-polar. I think it is highly important to obtain an early diagnosis. 


So far things have been better, not great but better. I no longer experience any bouts of depression and am getting my life in order. I have taken out a gym contract, I have commenced a serious job hunt, and I am no longer stress eating, or eating to fill the nothingness. I have begun reading again, which I really love and am blogging / writing, which I gave up on. I am doing things for me! I need to find me!


And now onto the rage...
I spoke to my psychiatrist on Thursday and I told her that I no longer feel depressed yet all my rage is still there. When I have a fight or conflict with someone, I lash out, either with very vicious words (I can kill in an argument) or with my fists (I am known to be quite the boxer). This is nothing I am proud of. So we decided to take corrective measures and put me on the best Lithium medication for me. I have just begun and am looking forward to the changes. 


I no longer want to be held captive by my emotions. I look forward to being happy and successful in every aspect of my life.