An Uncomfortable Encounter

This week my boss went to Swaziland to de-rig the poker tournament studio we have there at Piggs Peak. The casino is being shutdown and he needed to collect all of the equipment that has been there for the last 6 years. The company that I currently work for as a video editor used to produce the All Africa Poker Channel which ran on DSTV for six years. It was highly successful and there were million Rand poker tournaments four times a year in Piggs Peak, Swaziland, which the company filmed. However a moratorium banning online gambling saw the end of All Africa and ultimately Piggs Peak casino. So I helped my boss get tool boxes ready and I honestly thought that I would be going with him, as I had done in the past. 

Then I received an email from Paul, my ex-boyfriend. 

To clarify, for those who do not know, Paul and I were friends for 12 years before dating. We were working together when we dated, he left when we broke up. 

He asked me if I was going. I didn't reply. I was confused as I wanted to know how he even knew I might be going. Then he sent four more mails, which I didn't reply to. I skimmed them, but the final one read; "please reply or I will have to pass on this great opportunity". 

There it was, he would be going to Swaziland. I quickly went to my boss to clarify the situation as he knows that things between Paul and I are nasty at best. He assured me that Paul and another guy would be going as it is tough work. I was relieved. 

They left on the Wednesday, however I was not in as I was not feeling well. Legitimately. 

They came back on the Thursday afternoon... and the whole day I was jittery. Of course I was. The last time I had had an encounter with him, it was strange. I saw him at The Kooks and decided to be polite and say hello. It was the first time I had clapped eyes on him in the six months since I had ended things. I tapped him on the shoulder while he was chatting to someone and pulled back. He saw me and his whole face changed. I felt awful. I said a shy hello, and we gave an awkward hug. I told him that I couldn't talk for long as we had to leave, which was the truth. As if in a movie, my friend, Shahil, came to whisk me away and I said goodbye to Paul over my shoulder as he stared at my back. The rain and cold didn't help the gloomy situation. I heard Paul call me as I joined the line for the buses and I looked back at him. There were hundreds of people around us and I was suitably embarrassed.  He kept on calling me until I acknowledged him, and then he asked me "Dani, will we ever be together again?"

"No" I replied.

Again, as if in a movie I saw the crowd suck him away. The despair on his face so apparent. I was devastated. 

I boarded one of the buses and the rest of the night was a haze. I remember we messaged each other, and I apologized for speaking to him.

I didn't reply to his messages ever again after that. In fact, I had actually blocked his number months ago.

So on Thursday, at around 15h30 the office parking lot gate opened and there he was. I wasn't nervous, but unsure. Unsure of how he would be towards me. He has a disregard for those around him when he sees me. A sort of tunnel vision. This embarrasses me. There is always a time and place to conduct yourself and Paul never understood this. He greeted the rest of the staff and when he looked at me he shook his head, placed his hand over his heart and showed me how nervous he was. We hugged hello. Exchanged polite greetings and then he got awkward, "Dani, you look incredible". I got polite,  "thank you for the kind words". I walked towards the trailer with all the equipment on it and the old Paul came rushing back; "Is that all Dani?". "Please, not now." I implored of him. We offloaded some of the equipment, and I walked towards our studio to unlock it, he followed me and called after me. I pretended not to hear him. He called again, so I turned around. I asked him not to do this now, then he asked me why I didn't reply to his messages to which I simply replied, I can't. Which is the truth. If I reply it will never end. He will never stop asking me questions. He will never end his hold over me. It is a sick, sick cycle. He got the message so to speak. The guys left and Paul refused to look me in the eye or say good-bye. There is nothing I can do to make what happened between us change. I can only change my behaviour. We had a bad relationship, and I am still healing. I cried myself to sleep last night and my love for him will always be there. 

What I miss most of all is my friend, because we were great friends, but we sucked at being lovers. I will always wish him well, absolute happiness and lightness of being. 

Crappy Week

It has been one of those hair-pulling out weeks where everything seems to be going wrong. Where my future is up in the air and no matter what I seem to be doing to smooth matters out, they remain ruffled. 

Last week I had a colossal fight with my mother which was started by an innocent request on her behalf and I launched at her. I told her everything I felt about her, everything negative. About the way she raised me versus my sister, that she is the reason I am overweight, and she did her best to deflect the pain. I threw my phone on the floor, destroying it (the third in two years). I stormed out. An hour or so she came to apologise.  It was for me to apologise, but it seems that I will always remain the child. We didn't speak for a few days. 

I acknowledged that the problem was back, despite my meds being level. I needed help. I searched the net and found the therapist. 

I started sessions with the new psychologist who seems strong enough. I chose him on the basis that he had experience in anger management and CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). Tuesday was my first session with him. I chose to start therapy again as my anger and rage have been getting out of control as of late. My previous therapy session with my last therapist served a purpose in helping me deal with my relationship with Paul. I was with Nicky for two years and she was great. She allowed me to debrief and taught me coping mechanisms. She gave me tools with which to deal with Paul and ultimately the strength the end the relationship. She, along with my ever-suffering friends and family brought me out of the darkness. However, as I am a normal human, I deal with ups-and-downs and my medication cannot control my behaviour by itself. I need to learn to do that by myself. So I have gone to my new therapist.

I told my mom that I had made the appointment and that I was so so sorry. I spilled everything about how life has me so frustrated. The normal shit. 

This past weekend the most epic storm hit Joburg and as it turns out fried the motherboard on my R15,000 PC. That's all. Not the one I am typing from (puh-lease). Ok so this is turning into a rant post. I am allowed a rant post. This is my blog (hellur!). 

Saturday afternoon was also spent at Joburg General hospital as my mothers staff member was almost beaten to death by her boyfriend. For the full post read it here. It took me back to my abusive relationship with Paul, and I was like a zombie for the weekend. 

The last part of the week was no better as my work life may be changing too. However that is up in the air and I am keeping a positive attitude about it and am up for anything. 

Things that have been getting me through this week:

# Red wine

# Happy Endings

#Pizza (well carbs in general)

# The Gaslight Anthem

# Ella

This face ^^

(God)Motherhubbard

On Sunday I met with my Claire Bear because she messaged me on Friday night saying she needed a much-needed talk. So we met at Melrose Arch. Her little baby girl (who just turned two months) was with her. Oohhhh I could eat her alive I swear. As I sat down Claire smiled at me and asked me if I would like to be Lexi's god-mother? OH WOULD I?! I nearly cried I was so honoured. Her friend Fiona, who lives in the UK, shares the honour with me, but that doesn't take the shine off of it for one bit. We sat and talked for about an hour and I fed the little Miss Muffet. Claire is essentially a single mother as she is not involved with the father of her child, however his family and her's support her. She has been incredible and she has grown up over night. I could not imagine being friends with anyone less amazing than her. The strength she displays is incomparable and I have taken great lessons from it. I am very excited for the adventures we will all go on. I am still so humbled and honoured by her request and will do everything I can to fulfill my responsibilities.

We.Are.One.

The festival of Holi as described by Wikipedia; "...Every year, thousands of Hindus participate in the festival Holi. The festival has many purposes. First and foremost, it celebrates the beginning of the new season, spring. Originally, it was a festival that commemorated good harvests and the fertile land. Hindus believe it is a time of enjoying spring's abundant colors and saying farewell to winter. It also has a religious purpose, commemorating events present in Hinduism. During this event, participants hold a bonfire, throw colored powder at each other, and celebrate wildly...".

The South African organisers lost the rights to call their version of the festival Holi One and changed it to We Are One. The spirit of the day however remained unchanged. We all arrived in white (as it is traditional to do so). We were given our five bags of powder and headed straight to the bar. The countdown to the first explosion of colour was about to commence and we headed for the open field. 3-2-1 and colour filled the air in a mass powdered rainbow. Everyone around us was in the most elated and brilliant mood. There were no ill-feelings or bad tempers from anyone throughout the day. People just celebrated being coloured in. We pelted each other with powder and danced throughout the day. It is incredible to see ego and insecurity go out the door when people let their guard down. People truly embraced the concept of being free and being one. Everyone was equally dirty and equally as colourful. I don't think my pictures truly capture the beauty of the day, but it will give you a fair idea of what went down. If you were there I hope you felt the same way that I did. Enjoy!

Alive and Well

My dream came true 2 weeks ago when Rise Against finally played on South African shores. I was not as excited as I thought I would have been in the weeks following up, then again, I tend to play things down nowadays. I played all their albums on repeat for two weeks before to get psyched and re-acquainted with my old faves (not that I needed much playtime - I know those songs backwards, just saying). The Saturday of Ramfest arrived and it was raining. Of course it was. One cannot experience pure delight without a little rain in your eyeball. I had some family missions to complete before I headed off to Ramfest to join my friends in the drinking arena. Now I was excited. The bands and acts before Rise Against were a blur. Bring Me The Horizon, which I was as excited to see, were shit, as far as I was concerned. A few songs and they were off. 
Now the anticipation began as Rise Against's crew set up. Then Tim came on, I cried. This was actually happening. My dream was being fulfilled. My friend Ali stared at me as if I was mental. I like them okay? I sang along until my lungs and throat gave out. All I had ever wanted was to hear "Alive and Well" live. I was under the impression that they no longer sang songs from their older albums, well I was wrong. I don't think I have ever screamed or sang a song so loud in my life. I truly felt "Alive and Well". The band represents everything that a punk band should be; positive, fast, confident, humble and political. I have grown up with their music and it has defined my teenage years. Whenever something went wrong or I needed and explanation, I sought solace in the words and chords of Tim McIlrath and co. 


To this day I still can't believe that I saw them. What gives me great comfort is that the band does not take what it does for granted and they understand the impact they have on people's lives through music. I will forever hold them and this experience in my heart. 

Everchanging

"In the face

Of change

That's when she turned to me and said

"I'm not sure anymore"..."

Around the end of November last year I ended an incredibly tumultuous relationship. I have written about this break up before but it only seems to be sinking in now.  

"Have you ever been a part of something

That you thought would never end?

And then, of course it did

Have you ever felt the weight inside you

Pulling away inside your skin?

And then something had to give..."

Even though I ended it, for reasons that remain unchanged, I still miss him.When you start a relationship you honestly think that it will never end. That's the point right? We did fight from the beginning and we gave it a good two and a bit years of blood, sweat and tears. 

"Now the lines are drawn

Is this feeling gone?

The best parts of this have come and gone

And now that is all this is

With the reasons clear

We'll spend another year

Without direction, full of fear

And now things will be different

There's nothing simple when it comes to you and I

Always something in this everchanging life

And there probably always will

Now that time is getting harder to come by,

The same arguments are always on our mind

{We've} killed this slowly fading light..."

The feeling will never be gone. I will never stop loving him and I will never love someone the way I loved him. He was my first love. My first relationship. He claimed my heart first. I will love differently one day, but I will never love as intensely. I believe that to love as intensely as we did was one of the reasons why we failed. Two flames create a hyper-fire. The energy created cannot be contained. I need to be with someone who balances me out, in essence the water to my fire. I have taken a year off to find me again. To reassess my priorities in life. The relationship stripped me of my identity. It did what a relationship is not meant to do. I lost me along the way. I became introverted, angry and overweight. Everything I had fought so hard to change over the years. When the relationship started I was healthy, bubbly and fun. I will never blame him for what happened, we are both to blame. We literally brought out the worst in each other. I can tell you now that I have never been more scared in my life. I have to re-learn who I am. I have to learn to be alone and to be comfortable with me again. 

"Now let's say that something (hey) 

Has kept me here too long 

And you can't leave me (hey) 

If I'm already gone

And we make the same mistakes

We're always hanging on

Break the promises we're always leaning on

All this time spent waking up

{Now I} keep this line open to get this call from you

{As you} speak the words that keep me coming back to you..."

The four or five months that it has been seems to make it more final. The initial break up isn't as bad as you are in shock, but now the reality of it sets in. I can't make the same mistakes again. I respect myself, I respect him. We do always break the promises. If only he would give up on trying to contact me. It is only hurting him, and me. I do love you, but I cannot be in love with you. I can't come back to you. 

"Now this time it's all different..."

- Rise Against, Everchanging. 

Ramfest - Anticipation Stations

I am getting quite excited for Ramfest which is being held next weekend at Riversands Farm in Fourways. 

There is one reason for that excitement. Rise Against. If you have been following my blog you will see that I have a bit of an obsession with them that dates back to biblical times. I reference them countless times. They have been the band that I go to when I am having a hard time coping emotionally and the band that gives me the extra lift when I need some positivity. I have been listening to them since I was 14 years old, that's come 13 years. To say that I adore them is an understatement and I think I am going to pull a swooning Michael Jackson fan when they come out. I kid you not. I get goosebumps every time I listen to them. My dream has literally come true and I think I am still in shock that they are playing in 9 days time. 

Bring Me The Horizon is also playing a set just before Rise Against. This is huge. My sister and I have been huge fans for a long time. We had a discussion regarding who would be in our perfect festival line-up. In the metal act BMTH was the band. Our dream line-up is happening. I cannot wait. It is going to be epic! 

I'm going to lather my pale skin with sunblock, take me some liver pills and wear some sensible shoes as I do not want anything to ruin this experience for me. It is going to be amazing, from beginning to end.