Then I received an email from Paul, my ex-boyfriend.
To clarify, for those who do not know, Paul and I were friends for 12 years before dating. We were working together when we dated, he left when we broke up.
He asked me if I was going. I didn't reply. I was confused as I wanted to know how he even knew I might be going. Then he sent four more mails, which I didn't reply to. I skimmed them, but the final one read; "please reply or I will have to pass on this great opportunity".
There it was, he would be going to Swaziland. I quickly went to my boss to clarify the situation as he knows that things between Paul and I are nasty at best. He assured me that Paul and another guy would be going as it is tough work. I was relieved.
They left on the Wednesday, however I was not in as I was not feeling well. Legitimately.
They came back on the Thursday afternoon... and the whole day I was jittery. Of course I was. The last time I had had an encounter with him, it was strange. I saw him at The Kooks and decided to be polite and say hello. It was the first time I had clapped eyes on him in the six months since I had ended things. I tapped him on the shoulder while he was chatting to someone and pulled back. He saw me and his whole face changed. I felt awful. I said a shy hello, and we gave an awkward hug. I told him that I couldn't talk for long as we had to leave, which was the truth. As if in a movie, my friend, Shahil, came to whisk me away and I said goodbye to Paul over my shoulder as he stared at my back. The rain and cold didn't help the gloomy situation. I heard Paul call me as I joined the line for the buses and I looked back at him. There were hundreds of people around us and I was suitably embarrassed. He kept on calling me until I acknowledged him, and then he asked me "Dani, will we ever be together again?"
"No" I replied.
Again, as if in a movie I saw the crowd suck him away. The despair on his face so apparent. I was devastated.
I boarded one of the buses and the rest of the night was a haze. I remember we messaged each other, and I apologized for speaking to him.
I didn't reply to his messages ever again after that. In fact, I had actually blocked his number months ago.
So on Thursday, at around 15h30 the office parking lot gate opened and there he was. I wasn't nervous, but unsure. Unsure of how he would be towards me. He has a disregard for those around him when he sees me. A sort of tunnel vision. This embarrasses me. There is always a time and place to conduct yourself and Paul never understood this. He greeted the rest of the staff and when he looked at me he shook his head, placed his hand over his heart and showed me how nervous he was. We hugged hello. Exchanged polite greetings and then he got awkward, "Dani, you look incredible". I got polite, "thank you for the kind words". I walked towards the trailer with all the equipment on it and the old Paul came rushing back; "Is that all Dani?". "Please, not now." I implored of him. We offloaded some of the equipment, and I walked towards our studio to unlock it, he followed me and called after me. I pretended not to hear him. He called again, so I turned around. I asked him not to do this now, then he asked me why I didn't reply to his messages to which I simply replied, I can't. Which is the truth. If I reply it will never end. He will never stop asking me questions. He will never end his hold over me. It is a sick, sick cycle. He got the message so to speak. The guys left and Paul refused to look me in the eye or say good-bye. There is nothing I can do to make what happened between us change. I can only change my behaviour. We had a bad relationship, and I am still healing. I cried myself to sleep last night and my love for him will always be there.
What I miss most of all is my friend, because we were great friends, but we sucked at being lovers. I will always wish him well, absolute happiness and lightness of being.
