"...Give yourself prudence
and love your friends
subway kid,
Rejoice your Truth
In the religion of the insecure,
I must be Myself, respect my youth..."
- Born This Way by Lady Gaga
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Gaga for Gaga
I adore Lady Gaga. She can do no wrong. Her voice, her music, her crazy, daring sense of style. She is one hundred percent my guilty pleasure. I sing her at the top of my lungs in my car. She is creative and not afraid of being unusual and deemed eccentric. She is highly exposed and highly commercial, but what singer gets into the music industry without bright lights in their eyes. She has the brightest. I really hope she keeps it going. She needs to keep that head screwed on. I am looking forward to what she works on in the future. Right now I am loving what she has going on.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Time to Deal
This post has been a long time coming.
I have bi-polar II disorder.
As defined by Wisegeek
My depression is the reason why I had lost my drive in every aspect of my life. I had begun to neglect my health, my relationship with my family and my friends. I had no interest in bettering my life. I ate because I was depressed, I ate because I needed to fill an emptiness that could not be filled by any person or thing. My weight had ballooned to where it was a few years ago. I had put on this weight, yet Paul still loved me and stood by me.
Paul puts up with my sad moods, my bad moods. What would be an ordinary fight between a couple, I would blow out of proportion, and the fights would last for hours, days. I would end our relationship many a time.
Let me explain. When my mood switches it is like an electrical switch being turned on or off in my head. It is as if the wiring in my head has a short. I have no control over it. When such a switch happens, I become irrational, bad-tempered, rage-filled, aggressive, physical and have zero regard for consequence. I have run down a road and torn the ligaments in my ankle as I have misread a look on Paul's face and wanted to be heard, so I disregarded all safety and ran. I was the one who paid in the end. Then in the morning, when my mood and rage has passed and I am in a clear state of mind, Paul and I resolve things. This is not fair on him, and I am grateful to have him in my life. He is truly an angel and I love him.
Let me explain my rage further. I also have temporal lobe epilepsy which is associated with rage attacks, detachment from myself and the outside world, anxiety, panic attacks and heightened sense of smell, to mention a few. I do not experience epileptic attacks or seizures if that is what you are thinking and I am allowed to drive a car. These symptoms are experienced during a seizure, it does not physically grab hold of my body, it manifests itself in my brain. It is simply the way my brain is wired. I was diagnosed with this when I was 16 years old, and put on anti-epileptics. I had gone to a neurologist for severe migraines and sharp headaches, which is a symptom of it. I was not informed by my neurologist of all the symptoms and simply carried on thinking that my rage and depression was simply who I was... an angry person. I put it down to being a teen, I put it down to being a frustrated, overweight, shy teen. I would act out violently towards those that were closest to me, but then become an absolute recluse.
When I think back, I have always had rage issues, just ask my sister. We would get into monumental physical fights. They say this is normal for kids to fight, but I can tell you now that the way I felt and the way I hurt her is not normal, I can see this now and I am sorry. I love you Cake, you are my sissy. My mom would tell me about when I was a toddler and if I did not get my way, I would hold my breath in my crib until I passed out. This was my way of dealing with my frustration. I think back to when I was 9 or 10, if I got angry or upset, how I would try to smother myself, I'm still here, so that never worked.
Is this normal?
I am not sure, but according to statistics, it is becoming more common. More and more people, including youths and children are being diagnosed as bi-polar. I think it is highly important to obtain an early diagnosis.
So far things have been better, not great but better. I no longer experience any bouts of depression and am getting my life in order. I have taken out a gym contract, I have commenced a serious job hunt, and I am no longer stress eating, or eating to fill the nothingness. I have begun reading again, which I really love and am blogging / writing, which I gave up on. I am doing things for me! I need to find me!
And now onto the rage...
I spoke to my psychiatrist on Thursday and I told her that I no longer feel depressed yet all my rage is still there. When I have a fight or conflict with someone, I lash out, either with very vicious words (I can kill in an argument) or with my fists (I am known to be quite the boxer). This is nothing I am proud of. So we decided to take corrective measures and put me on the best Lithium medication for me. I have just begun and am looking forward to the changes.
I no longer want to be held captive by my emotions. I look forward to being happy and successful in every aspect of my life.
I have bi-polar II disorder.
As defined by Wisegeek
"Bipolar II is a psychiatric disorder that involves mood swings from depressed to hypomanic states. Unlike bipolar I, also called manic depression, bipolar II does not involve manic states. However, like bipolar I, the person afflicted suffers from varying degrees of mood. Bipolar II may create depression or anxiety so great that risk of suicide is increased over those who suffer from Bipolar I."A few posts back I spoke about being depressed, wanting to end my life and about my rage. Since that post I have gotten the help I so needed. I have been to see a psychiatrist, who has placed me on anti-depressants, anti-epileptics and most recently Lithium (which I will talk about later). I have been to many psychologists to assess me. It was basically an interview process with them. It is all about finding the person that you connect with, someone who can handle you, someone who gets you.
My depression is the reason why I had lost my drive in every aspect of my life. I had begun to neglect my health, my relationship with my family and my friends. I had no interest in bettering my life. I ate because I was depressed, I ate because I needed to fill an emptiness that could not be filled by any person or thing. My weight had ballooned to where it was a few years ago. I had put on this weight, yet Paul still loved me and stood by me.
Paul puts up with my sad moods, my bad moods. What would be an ordinary fight between a couple, I would blow out of proportion, and the fights would last for hours, days. I would end our relationship many a time.
Let me explain. When my mood switches it is like an electrical switch being turned on or off in my head. It is as if the wiring in my head has a short. I have no control over it. When such a switch happens, I become irrational, bad-tempered, rage-filled, aggressive, physical and have zero regard for consequence. I have run down a road and torn the ligaments in my ankle as I have misread a look on Paul's face and wanted to be heard, so I disregarded all safety and ran. I was the one who paid in the end. Then in the morning, when my mood and rage has passed and I am in a clear state of mind, Paul and I resolve things. This is not fair on him, and I am grateful to have him in my life. He is truly an angel and I love him.
Let me explain my rage further. I also have temporal lobe epilepsy which is associated with rage attacks, detachment from myself and the outside world, anxiety, panic attacks and heightened sense of smell, to mention a few. I do not experience epileptic attacks or seizures if that is what you are thinking and I am allowed to drive a car. These symptoms are experienced during a seizure, it does not physically grab hold of my body, it manifests itself in my brain. It is simply the way my brain is wired. I was diagnosed with this when I was 16 years old, and put on anti-epileptics. I had gone to a neurologist for severe migraines and sharp headaches, which is a symptom of it. I was not informed by my neurologist of all the symptoms and simply carried on thinking that my rage and depression was simply who I was... an angry person. I put it down to being a teen, I put it down to being a frustrated, overweight, shy teen. I would act out violently towards those that were closest to me, but then become an absolute recluse.
When I think back, I have always had rage issues, just ask my sister. We would get into monumental physical fights. They say this is normal for kids to fight, but I can tell you now that the way I felt and the way I hurt her is not normal, I can see this now and I am sorry. I love you Cake, you are my sissy. My mom would tell me about when I was a toddler and if I did not get my way, I would hold my breath in my crib until I passed out. This was my way of dealing with my frustration. I think back to when I was 9 or 10, if I got angry or upset, how I would try to smother myself, I'm still here, so that never worked.
Is this normal?
I am not sure, but according to statistics, it is becoming more common. More and more people, including youths and children are being diagnosed as bi-polar. I think it is highly important to obtain an early diagnosis.
So far things have been better, not great but better. I no longer experience any bouts of depression and am getting my life in order. I have taken out a gym contract, I have commenced a serious job hunt, and I am no longer stress eating, or eating to fill the nothingness. I have begun reading again, which I really love and am blogging / writing, which I gave up on. I am doing things for me! I need to find me!
And now onto the rage...
I spoke to my psychiatrist on Thursday and I told her that I no longer feel depressed yet all my rage is still there. When I have a fight or conflict with someone, I lash out, either with very vicious words (I can kill in an argument) or with my fists (I am known to be quite the boxer). This is nothing I am proud of. So we decided to take corrective measures and put me on the best Lithium medication for me. I have just begun and am looking forward to the changes.
I no longer want to be held captive by my emotions. I look forward to being happy and successful in every aspect of my life.
Skirt Love
I have developed an obsession with skirts and dresses over the last year. My cupboard is filled with them and I haven't even worn them all. I wear a skirt / dress every nearly single day, come rain, sunny day, wintry wind or summer breeze. I just love 'em. I have floral, sailor inspired, plain black, office wear, denim, button down, striped and many more. I have pretty much the same in dresses. Which I pair with my crazy cardigan collection, which I also adore. I have selected my top looks from my favourite DIY fashion blog Lookbook.nu. Enjoy!
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