Happy Birthday!

My Dear Paul


Although we may be spending some time apart. I still want to wish you the happiest of birthdays. 

26 today!!

I have known you for 11 of those 26 years. From high school buddies, forever friends at AFDA, party pals after varsity, colleagues and then partners in life and crime. 

I wish for you a year and life paved by good choices, fine wine, good music, memorable moments, loyal friends, successful business endeavours, strong health, bursts of creative joy and energy, fantastic adventures around the world and of course boundless love.

I give to you my promise to remain your friend, to remain by your side without defining the capacity. To abandon a friendship and love as true as ours would be shameful.

Celebrate life! For you have only enjoyed the first quarter of it. 

I toast to you, My Paul.

"And I hope that you smile tonight..."

- Three Hopeful Thoughts by Rilo Kiley

Love Is Paranoid

We have to make this work. I love you so much. 

We've said it before, whatever it takes. Take this as my commitment to you, to us. 

I am looking forward to my future with you, the fun times and the inevitable fights.

"I step right off the edge, let the blood rush to my head

I'm going down to where the lucky ones have bled

I lift the veil up to reveal a fascination 

And if you crave it then you know that you are injured

And I'm holding on

And I'm holding on

For what you do to me, oh, baby, there's no measure 

I've taken everything, now I want to give it

I left the lights on so you stumble in devotion

So easy, so easy, it's left unspoken 

And I'm holding on

And I'm holding on

And I'm holding on

And I'm holding on

I've come to realize you're the only thing I want

I'm falling all the way in

I'm falling all the way in

I've come to realize you're the only thing I want

I'm falling all the way in

(I've fallen)..."

- Love is Paranoid by The Distillers

"Baby, you make my heart beat faster.

Baby, you make my heart beat faster. I know.

Yeah I know. I know..."

My Baby's Last Photo Session

I rummaged through my drawers the other day and found my Casio digital camera. The battery had died and I wondered what was on it. I then remembered. Sabrina's last pictures. I cringed and put the camera back into the drawer knowing full-well that I would have to face them one day. Today was that day. I took the camera out, charged the battery and loaded the images onto my PC.


My darling...


So sweet, so old, always tired towards the end. Her face so grey and aged she looked like a panda in the negative. 


I miss her everyday, I don't expect that to change, but what I know for sure is that the pang and hurt of loss will lessen more and more as each day passes. 


This is my favourite poem by John Donne. For my Sabrina, up there somewhere beautiful.

"Death, be not proud, though some have callèd thee

   Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so ;

   For those whom thou think’st thou dost overthrow

Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.

From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,

   Much pleasure―then, from thee much more must flow ;

   And soonest our best men with thee do go,

Rest of their bones and soul’s delivery.

Thou’rt slave to fate, chance, kings and desperate men,

   And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell ;

   And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well,

And better than thy stroke. Why swell’st thou then ?

   One short sleep past, we wake eternally,

   And death shall be no more. Death, thou shalt die..."

- Death, be not Proud by John Donne

How My Little Has Grown So Big.

So it has been about a month and a half that little Ella has been in our lives, and boy has she grown. In the 6 weeks that she has been running around Beder manor she has piled on 6.5 kilograms. It took a little research and we figured out that our little is going to be a big. Bloodhound big. Her mommy is a basset hound. But it seems that her and her brothers have got her father's looks, or should I say bone structure and colouring. Her paws are massive, her ears are floppy. She is ball, rope, bone, couch, pillow, stick, actually anything she can chew, crazy. She is teething you see. A hand will do just fine too. In these past few weeks, she has taken to sleeping in her little bed like a champ, although her tummy works like clockwork at 4am. She then wakes up at 5am for cuddle time, and who could resist those droopy puppy eyes. She then crawls to the warmest spot in the bed, down to my legs. She is so sweet, like a portable hot water bottle with a heartbeat (that weighs 8kgs). She then emerges a few hours later, too warm, and wide awake, it's chew time. 


This little Ella has stolen my heart. Her love is unconditional towards me and mine towards her. I miss her when I am not around her. She makes me laugh and I am loving watching her grow. The last few weeks have been a real mommy test, as she is like a real baby. Up every few hours for toilet (read nappy) duty. I am really looking forward to seeing what she will look like as a big girl. She does not replace the space left in my heart left by my Sabrina, but she has carved out a new one. 


My boss has also adopted one of her brothers. Things turn out great sometimes. At least I know one of her little siblings has gone to a good home.  


Here are a few pictures of the little one in doing her thing. Hope they smiles to your face as they have to mine. Enjoy! 

Little Ella

Last week Friday, my family and I began our search for a new four-legged family member. We began on the Friday afternoon at a dog shelter in Woodmead by our home. We had heard about a litter of basset hound crosses, and two little staffie cross boys. Alas we were searching for a girl to add to our family. We kept that shelter in mind and then moved our search along to the Saturday and the greater areas of Johannesburg and it's "surrounds". I say "surrounds", as we traveled far and wide, from Krugersdorp to Roodepoort, Sandton to Booysens. We saw all the SPCA's, Animal Anti-Cruelty Leagues and other animal shelters we could fit in to the strict 9-12 time frame. It was a saddening process. We needed a girl, we wanted a puppy. We looked at those faces, we wanted them all. Love is not even an issue. We came home empty handed, our hearts a little sadder. I don't think I was ready for a new baby in the home, as the loss of my baby, Sabrina, was still so raw. So I left the choice of adoption up to my sister and my dad. I knew this was not about me, it was about Caesar. Our 10 year old Alsatian mix. He needed a companion and play partner.


On Saturday afternoon my dad told me that he had phoned the Woodmead shelter about fostering one of the basset puppies for the weekend. To see how they would fit in. The car came down the drive way.


She ran in.


She bumbled, she fumbled, she fitted in. From fostered to family in an hour.


Little Ella is a firm member of our family in just 8 days. She has put on 1kg in weight in a week. I am happy to say that she is a little princess with the jaws of a shark. I love her. I cannot wait to see the beauty she grows into. What a blessing. What a soul.

Farewell My Heart...

On Monday evening at 18h15 I put my 15 year old Staffie cross, Sabrina, to sleep. She was my heart. I have had her since I was 11 years old. She came to us from a family that could not give her the love she craved and so deserved. She was a light, she was a joy. My little baby always had a glint in her eye, she was mischievous, fun loving, warm hearted, intuitive and full of love. She would snuggle you when you were sad and lie on you when she needed attention.


She had had a hip problem since she was a puppy. My family could not afford to give her the op that she needed, we gave her the love. We gave her the meds when her arthritis came in older age, we gave her meds when her spine started to deteriorate. Love and care was never a question. It is what she gave us. Throughout my time with her, all I worried about was my life without her. I ached at the thought of my world without her. I cried many nights. As she got older, I got sadder. Towards the end she needed help to go outside. She could't walk and would cry for attention. Eating was tedious. We were only postponing the inevitable. We had had the arguments that her head and heart were fine, but her body was giving in.


I miss her. I hear her breathing, I hear her collar. I have not properly cried over the loss. I am still in shock. The stages of grief and loss, I guess. 


In the end her body had atrophied to such a point that the vet, our family friend, Stan could not find a usable vein in her leg in which to inject the sedative and consequent anesthetic overdose.. I had to hold up her head to help with the circulation. I held her as she was falling asleep. I held her as she death rattled, as she died. I kissed her goodbye. 


My baby is resting, no more pain. Somewhere to run, somewhere she can breathe. I have yet to collect her ashes. She will be with me forever. 

I love you Sabrina. 

You take my heart in your heart.

Take It or Leave It ... Lyric of the Day

Poem

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn

Is just to love and be loved in return..."

- Nature Boy by Eden Ahbez 

Song

"The hardest thing you'll ever learn

Is just to love and be loved in return..."

 - Orchestra of Wolves by Gallows

Take It or Leave It

"To love is to be vulnerable." 

- C.S. Lewis

Lyric of the Day

"L-O-V-E's just another word I never learned to pronounce..."

- Starstrukk by 3OH3! featuring Katy Perry

Lyric of the Day

"The heart of a fool lives inside of his mouth,

The fear of separation's all that unites us"

- The Heart of a Fool by aKing